2013 Movie Rundown

Top heroes of 2013

1. Katniss (The Hunger Games: Catching Fire)-Warrior, champion, and loyal friend, Katniss lights the fire necessary for a crucial revolution of a long oppressed population. A breath of fresh air for women in film, and the best female role model since Hermione Granger, Katniss is a much needed change of pace following the embarrassing female "heroine" that was Bella Swann.

2. Harada (The Wolverine)-Deadly and dead-eyed ninja archer Harada proved to be an utter badass when covering Wolverine and Mariko in the chaos following a funeral. Despite being in a film featuring heroes as awesome as the legendary Wolverine and awesomely written fellow ninja Yukio, Harada manages to eek out a slight lead because he manages to give us a performance that Hawkeye should have been in The Avengers.

3. Colonel James Rhodes (Iron Man 3)-I can only praise Robert Downey Jr. for so long (yes, he is still perfect as Iron Man) without mentioning how awesome the decision was to trade up to Don Cheadle for James Rhodes. Loyal, resilient, and dependable, James Rhodes proves that Tony made the right choice by trusting him with the Mark II armor in Iron Man 2.

4. Dr. Ryan Stone (Gravity)-I frequently have trouble maintaining my composure when they get my order wrong at Del Taco, so it speaks magnitudes about Dr. Stone's resilience when she finds herself perpetually facing down life threatening situations in the most hostile environment in the universe. Her continued resilience lands her back home, something even her veteran astronaut partner couldn’t manage to achieve.

5. Andy Knightley (The World's End)-Despite initial misgivings about a proposed pub crawl, Andy decides to accompany his former best friend partly to bury the ghosts of his past and partly out of pity. When the shit hits the fan however, it’s up to Andy to keep the group of survivors alive as their “leader” spirals downward into a self-destructive pattern of psychosis.

Top Villains of 2013

1. Seaworld (Blackfish)-The groundbreaking documentary may have been about the murder-prone killer whale Tilikum, but the sheer brutality, greed, lies, and amoral behavior of the legendary amusement park takes the stage as the true villain of the film. When they’re not covering up deaths by framing their trainers, killing whales in the wild, or stealing money from their own charities, you can count on them lying about the life of killer whales in the wild to make themselves look good.

2. Loki (Thor: The Dark World)-Christopher Eccleston may have been the primary antagonist of the film, but no one can deny that the film really lit up every time Tom Hiddleston appeared onscreen. Resplendent in his hatred, and brilliant in his execution, Loki is one of those few villains in Hollywood that you just can’t bring yourself to hate.

3. Leatherback and Otachi (Pacific Rim)-While the film revolved around countless monstrous Kaijus that are as diverse as they are vicious, the big baddies of the film are a pair of Category IV Kaijus that manage to take out 50 percent of the world’s remaining Jaeger force. Massive, fast, and the first Kaijus to carry organic weapons against the human race, these baddies take down the giant fighting robots like they were puppies.

4. El Macho (Despicable Me 2)-El Macho could be placed right alongside every other evil genius mastermind from any James Bond film, and that alone would be enough to an improvement on the previous film’s villain. What places him on this list though is that even jumping out of a plane, while riding a shark, strapped to two tons of explosives, into an erupting volcano still wasn’t enough to kill this villain.

5. Danny McBride (This is the End)-As if being a selfish prick and stealing all the survivor’s food wasn’t enough, Danny McBride becomes a cannibalistic psycho after being kicked out of the house, even going so far as to turn poor Channing Tatum into his personal sex slave. What truly makes him an abysmal human being however is the fact that he jizzes up the last porno mag in existence, that monster.

Top Moments of 2013

1. Death at a Funeral (The Wolverine)-We’ve had four movies featuring the comic legend Wolverine, but this scene is the first real time we as an audience get to see what the hero is really capable of. Even when good ol’ sideburns is missing most of his trademark super-healing he still carves through leagues of mercenaries and assassins with ease, brutally slicing through men like a hot knife through butter.

2. Aerial Rescue (Iron Man 3)-On repeated viewings I am quickly approaching naming Iron Man 3 as my favorite in the series, and the high point in this high point is the thrilling mid-air rescue of the passengers on Air Force One. Teased heavily in the trailers and commercials, this short and sweet action scene makes the audience hold their breath more than any other moment in the franchise.

3. Battle of Hong Kong (Pacific Rim)-Everyone knows how much I preach that bigger isn’t necessarily better in films (see my reviews of Transformers, the Star Wars Prequels, etc.), but in this case the scene is so well shot and action packed that it made me eat my own words. Over the top in the most beautiful way 

imaginable, this explosive and climactic battle scene encompasses everything that is right about monster films.

4. Batman versus Superman (Take one!) (The Dark Knight Returns)-Despite being an animated film, The Dark Knight Returns saga was just as awesome as Christopher Nolan’s trilogy, and no scene is more awesome as the Batman vs. Superman fight at the end of the second part. Unapologetically brutal, and played completely straight, this fantastic scene makes you believe that the Caped Crusader can actually hold his own against the Man of Steel, and in all likelihood, I imagine this scene will be much better than the one we are getting from the actual Batman vs. Superman movie in 2015.

5. The Tenth Man (World War Z)-One of the biggest and earliest mysteries of the film revolves around discovering how Israel was able to fend off the zombie invasion, and when the Mossad chief explains to Gerry Lane how his company was able to do so, many aspects on the hard life of a civilian in Israel become clear to the audience. This simple but brilliant scene not only establishes the Israelis as the badasses of the film, but also conveys to audiences the countless atrocities committed against Israel over countless decades.

Top Dorks of 2013

1. Raleigh Becket (Pacific Rim)-Get your god damned thumbs out of your god damned belt loops dude, you’re not a teenager!

2. The Smith Boys (After Earth)-There is so much to pick on in this awful M. Night Shyamalan film, but it doesn’t get any easier than the two idiots that this film is built around. Allegedly written and made to appease both Will Smith’s growing love of scientology and the growing ego of Jayden Smith, these two train wrecks are laughably bad throughout the film. This is what you get when you pass on Django Unchained because Quintin Tarantino wouldn’t re-write it for you.

3. Superman (The Man of Steel)-Nice going Superman, you watch your dad die and do nothing, you let half of Metropolis get pounded into dust, and you wreck half of the military. You have one job dude, what the hell are we paying you for?

4. Gary King (The World's End)-For the longest time I thought it was impossible for Simon Pegg to play a character I didn’t love… and then The World’s End totally changed my mind. Refusing to let his glory days be a thing of the pass, Gary goes to no end to dupe his former friends into reliving them with him, and then abandoning them to their dooms during them. He’s like that guy we all know who won’t stop talking about how cool he was in high school… and then shoots you.

5. Dr. Newton Geiszler (Pacific Rim)-Yes, Pacific Rim gets two mentions on the dorks list, but unlike frontrunner Raleigh, Newton is a dork in the most endearing sense possible. He’s wacky but brilliant, panicky but steadfast, and if anyone other than Charlie Day had played this role it could have been disastrous. Luckily, the talented Day plays this old-as-time trope perfectly, creating a lovable dork we can all appreciate.

Here is a list of my most enjoyable (not necessarily best) films of 2013:

Gravity-9.75 out of 10

Iron Man 3-9.5 out of 10

The World’s End-9 out of 10

The Dark Knight Returns-9 out of 10

Despicable Me 2-8.5 out of 10

The Conjuring-8.25 out of 10

Star Trek: Into Darkness-8 out of 10

The Wolverine-7.75 out of 10

Monsters University-8.25 out of 10

The Great Gatsby-8.5 out of 10

If your favorite picks aren’t on this list, chances are I never had a chance to watch it. Here is a short list of some of the movies I have yet to see this year:

The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug

Fast and Furious 6

Frozen

Riddick

Anchorman 2

12 Years a Slave

Her

Sound City

Hangover 3
Bad Grandpa