Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides

Ten years ago acclaimed actor Johny Depp decided to completely do away with the entire pirate cliché and put his own personal spin on a classic archetype.  Channeling Keith Richards and Pepe Le’ Pue he created legendary pirate Captain Jack Sparrow, a character so unique and so interesting that it turned an overused stereotype into a classic movie character and has become one of the most influential (if not one of the most important) characters in the history of film. Although the two sequels may have floundered compared to the genre-bending first film they did contain several key moments and scenes that were flat out brilliant, but none of them could compare to Depp’s ingenious interpretation of Captain Jack. So… does Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides stack up to the original film, or flounder like the disappointing sequels?

I hate to say it, but it doesn’t even compare to the lame sequels. Despite a talented cast, director and writer the film comes off as being over-produced, underwhelming, and hastily written. Johny Depp and Geoffrey Rush can only do so much with this script, and while they do manage to drive the plot forward to the best of their abilities even they can’t make this noisy mess of a story work. How could they screw this up so badly? Where do we begin on our doomed journey to the Fountain of Youth?

The biggest and most glaring problem with the film is tension, or should I say, the absolute lack of tension throughout the entire freaking movie. Nothing is at stake during this adventure and nothing is presented to the audience to make us care about the overall outcome of the events We are treated to beautiful scenery and amazing visuals, but without anything to drive the plot forward or any consequences to make us care about the journey it is nothing but a two hour photo session. Creating stakes isn’t hard to do, in fact it’s so easy that it’s almost like an equation in a film with a simple line of dialogue such as “If we don’t ___________, then ___________ is going to __________”. A story without tension is one of the biggest travesties you could commit when writing an adventure story, because without any tension surrounding the overall outcome of a struggle even the most brilliant set pieces and action scenes amount to nothing at all because quite simply… there are no stakes.

Now I’d like to compare the absolute lack of stakes in this film to my favorite all time episode of Doctor Who entitled “Let’s Kill Hitler”. The episode revolves around the Doctor trying to not only rescue Rory and Amy from a renegade sentient robot, but also trying to redeem River Song and convert her from a hired killer into the strong, independent hero she would eventually become. As if this isn’t already enough for one person to deal with, add to this dilemma the fact that the Doctor has been poisoned, and he only has a limited amount of time before he dies in the middle of his desperate mission. The entire episode is so chock full of beautiful and meaningful moments of discovery from each character that entire character arcs could be better explored in this one episode than most epic film franchises have in an entire trilogy. But… the most important thing about this episode in relation to this article is that within fifteen minutes this episode effectively establishes incredibly crucial stakes, and several of them.

1.      If the Doctor dies before getting River to save them, then Rory and Amy will die.

2.      If Rory and Amy can’t get the council to redact their judgment, River will die.

3.      If River doesn’t realize the error of her ways, the Doctor will die.

These conflicts help make all of the desperate situations in the show that much more desperate as the time ticks away. The Doctor is slowly dying an agonizing death,  River is facing disillusionment and regret at the choices she has made during her lifetime, and Amy and Rory are fighting off a swarm of killer robots while trying to convince a judicial council that they have made the wrong decision about the judgment they have passed. The high stakes of this episode transform every single act in the episode into a life or death moment, I mean the Doctor can barely crawl to the Tardis in some scenes as he attempts to save Amy and Rory, and he realizes that if he fails to convince River to renounce her ways then Amy and Rory are as good as dead.

Now sure, for a show that deals with potentially universe destroying problems on a weekly basis the potential loss of four lives aren’t exactly devastating, but the point is that stakes are simple to incorporate into any setting in a story. In Doctor Who they were able to establish these stakes simply, organically, and quickly without resorting to a clichéd doomsday line like “If we don’t ______ within the next _______, it’ll be the end of the world as we know it!”. And even though this line may be clichéd I have no problem with something THAT simple in a film compared to the nothingness of POTC: OST. Pretty much any film you can think of that had a lot of tension (which is a NECESSITY in an action film) had something at stake. Indy and friends in Raiders of the Lost Ark were chasing the Ark because if the Third Reich found out how to use its’ power they would become invincible, if Vader was victorious in Empire Strikes Back then the Rebellion would have lost its’ final hope in defeating the Empire, if Theo didn’t get the baby to The Human Project in Children of Men then the world would never figure out how to cure the worldwide sterilization, and if Andy didn’t get out of Shawshank then the warden would get away with murder, embezzling, and extortion.

Now using the information you just read, what were the stakes in Pirates of the Caribbean? What would have happened to any of the characters, ANY of them, if they had not succeeded in their crusade? Blackbeard wasn’t dying of old age, Angelica wasn’t dying of scurvy, Jack Sparrow wasn’t dying of being way too awesome, no one had anything to lose if they hadn’t found the fountain. In fact there’s one scene where the Spanish destroy the fountain for no apparent reason and everyone just sort of stands around for a few minutes with a “Gee, now what do we do?” look on their faces. Yeah, sure, some stuff happens very late in the film which makes the fountain much more important to some wounded characters, but the point is that these dummies left to find it knowing that:

1.      They were in fine health and not mortally ill

2.      The fountain only extended life proportionally, it didn’t make you live forever

3.      The journey to the fountain was very dangerous and a lot of people would probably be killed

A lack of stakes is such a travesty against a story that this alone would have been enough for me to turn people off from seeing it, but sadly this is not the only problem. There are a lot of scenes just sort of shoved into this movie that don’t feel like they belong, and to make it worse these scenes assault the eyes and ears with overly produced scenes and overly loud action pieces. This tactic of filming action scenes happened non-stop in the second and third movie, but it wasn’t as irritating in those films because they primarily dealt with legends of the sea with every action scene. Whenever there was action happening on screen there was usually a legend like Davy Jones, tribal rituals, shipwreck graveyards, the Charybdis, Aztec gold, and mythical monsters like the Kraken attached to the action scene to give it levity and that sort of “Legends of the Sea” feel to it. In this film there is one action scene involving mermaids which is kind of mediocre, but for the most part there isn’t any levity or meaning to these over the top action scenes since there is never really anything hanging in the balance, and at this point it just seems really, really old hat.

This is really a shame since there are quite a few things in the film that really worked quite well for the film, most notably (no surprise here) Johny Depp reprising his role as Captain Jack Sparrow. Depp has never shied from the idea of proclaiming Jack to be his personal favorite of all his roles, and his reverence and love for the role is in full view here. He returns as Jack with a sort of childlike glee and passion that makes this a standout role even for someone with a film history as distinguished as his. On the flip side of this joyful turn in is the equally stellar Geoffrey Rush returning as Captain Hector Barbosa, brining an angry and dark but spirited portrayal to the table. The two of them have always had an outstanding chemistry between them that borders on divine, a sort of oil and vinegar chemistry, and they play off of each other as well and believably as bickering siblings.

A talented supporting cast helps bring life to the characters of the film (the one bright spot of the movie), but sadly the real waste of the movie is the always amazing (and one of my favorite actors) Ian McShane as Blackbeard. It’s not that he’s bad, in fact quite the opposite, he is so freaking good in his role (channeling all of his Deadwood Al Swearingen angry greatness) that I couldn’t wait to see him on screen as soon as he walked off. He exudes such a quiet menace and dismissive attitude towards everything around his that I was riveted to my seat. In every scene his pure, unchecked disdain towards every single person around him is palpable, as if every person around him is nothing but a waste of his time. It could almost be confused as boredom, but the brilliant hatred he seeps off of himself in each scene is so cool that I always wonder why he isn’t in every movie ever made.

And sadly, that’s the problem he has in this film, lack of influence. The first time he walks out on deck and shows what he’s capable of is awesome, but after that he’s barely in the movie! When he does have a scene it typically consists of him speaking a handful of lines, exits screen left, and then we are McShane-less again for about ten or fifteen minutes. How are we supposed to fear and hate a protagonist who barely has any screen time? It’s kind of hard to fear a villain when all of his coolest stories are actually told to us by other characters instead of shown to us.

There are a bunch of other things wrong with film, but they don’t measure up to the problems I already listed. Weak, if not just weird, writing, bad cinematography, poor, uneven pacing, countless anachronisms (flamethrowers for God’s sake?), and breaking my suspension of belief are some of chief complaints. Now what do I mean by “breaking my suspension of belief”? Pretty much exactly what it sounds like. Whenever I watch a movie I always slip into a mode where I realize I’m watching a movie, so I should just check my knowledge of physics, luck, and human strength at the door, but at a couple of points in the movie this film just went so far that it surpassed suspension of belief and just plain didn’t make sense.

For example, I watch a film like Raiders of the Lost Ark and I can get behind the idea of Indy getting dragged behind a car, or wrapping his whip around a branch and swinging from it, because they are things the body is capable of. Sure they might be things that you could only do once in a blue moon (like making your whip do that), or things that only a person in peak physical condition can do (Like surviving some of those stunts), but they are possible under the right circumstances. Furthermore, after watching Indy getting dragged for like half a mile behind that supply truck we are treated to a scene of Indy in bed, writhing in pain, tending his wounds, and so tired that he even falls asleep despite the prospect of sex. We see the consequences of those actions, and even elaborate, impossible events seem much more possible with these scenes.

On the other hand, Pirates of the Caribbean characters seemingly do the impossible without any regards to physical limits or physics in general. At one point Jack stands on top a coconut tree and pulls a second tree back with a rope to a forty-five degree angle using nothing but his arms. There’s no reason, no explanation for how a hundred and sixty pound average guy can do this, no lead up, he just does the impossible without the faintest of reasons. Even stranger is the fact that even if you were bitten by a radioactive spider and you somehow could do that, he’s standing on top of another tree as he does this without being flung from it like a slingshot. There’s no reason this should happen, and it happens a lot in this film. There’s a swordfight on a rocking ship teetering over the edge of a cliff, and whenever one side weighs more it shifts to that side. This is an interesting and semi-original idea for an action scene, but during the whole fight the angles they are moving at and the weight distribution of the ship are all wrong! All the treasure on the ship shifts to the side going over the edge, but then Jack throws a book to the other side and suddenly everything is even again? I know it’s a small complaint and I know it’s just a movie, but these scenes really jar me out of the film.

It’s just sad to see the slow spin down the toilet bowl of a film franchise that started out as something so original and so promising. Although sporting a promising premise, a talented cast, and a beautiful locale, it still appears that this franchise has finally… run aground (groan).

5 out of 10

The Green Lantern

I apologize for the long absence, but for the past few weeks I headed home to visit the family for Thanksgiving. To relate this little trip to film, let’s just call this review my Season 2 premiere. I always feel strange slipping back into my critic role after a long hiatus, as I try my hardest to keep it from being a lazy, uninteresting, self-destructive, half-assed attempt… sadly the production team for The Green Lantern didn’t share my frame of mind.

The Green Lantern was the next chapter in DC’s attempt to bring the Justice League to the big screen, trying to ride the coat-tails of positive press and word of mouth that The Avengers is already receiving. Now so far Warner Brothers has been doing a pretty OK job of setting the stage for this franchise, if not doing it WAY too late to become an effective set-up for the Justice League movie. Christopher Nolan’s Dark Knight trilogy has become arguably the best comic book movie franchise in history, and despite the fact that I’m part of the tiny minority that seems to think so, I enjoyed Bryan Singer’s Superman Returns as a deliberately paced story instead of a comic action fest. So now we come to the third entry in the team, and along with The Flash and Wonder Woman we add another A-lister in the comic book universe with Hal Jordan, aka “Green Lantern”. Now I don’t know much about Green Lantern, as I’ve mentioned before (probably too many times) I grew up idolizing Marvel comics, but even without any knowledge of the franchise I still knew that with a few exceptions the entire team behind this film seemed to be phoning it in.

The film starts with a pretty OK origin story film, but despite setting up the film in a likeable if not overused way there seemed to be a lot of action movie clichés scattered about.

Cocky pilot with anxiety issues stemming from his father’s legacy? Check
Generic tough girl love interest? Check
Hero waking up next to attractive lady and running late for “the flight of his life”? Check
Completely unnecessary and hilariously inaccurate jet fighter sequence? Check
Emotional breakdown during key moment of the action scene that shows lack of nerves? Check
Board room reprimand and being told “He’s not his father” scene? Check

Still though, despite all these generic character traits for the main hero the film still managed to draw me into its’ story with half-decent writing, an interesting opening sequence in space, and Ryan Reynolds trying his ass off to make this work. This continues through the “discovery” phase and eventual “training” phase of the film, and I really liked the attitude of fun carefree enjoyment the movie seemed to have with this part. The first half or so of the film reminded me of The Last Starfighter both in tone and direction, and I actually thought I would really like this movie. Ryan Reynolds carries the role of Hal Jordan pretty dang well as he trains against impossible odds, discovers the true power that he holds in himself, and eventually makes the heroic choice to… immediately quit the Green Lantern Corps.

Oh… um… wait, what? He just quits? Well, uh… OK I guess. I mean, it must be really hard to know what to do with powers that the corps describes as limitless. I guess it would kind of make if you were responsible enough to relinquish those powers if you didn’t think that you could properly…

Ah Christ! They let him keep his ring and lantern? Is it just me or does this seem incredibly irresponsible to anyone else? I mean if you quit halfway through the police academy I’m pretty sure they don’t give you a badge and a gun as a farewell present, so why should they give a dropout something infinitely more powerful? Remember, this isn’t some guy who already proved himself worthy to the corps during his training, this dude is already looked down on by everyone in the corps including the leader Sinestro, who stated that he believes there was a large mistake in the ring choosing him. Well, maybe this is just a way to set Ryan Reynolds up to prove them wrong, to prove to them that he will do the right thing once he returns to Earth.

But nah, he immediately screws that up too. After the corps decided it would be a good idea to let him keep the gun he decides to just start waving it around in the air and showing it to all his buddies. After being told by his fish headed Green Lantern mentor how important it is to protect his identity the first thing this guy does is reveal himself to his best friend and the chick he wants to hop in bed with. Oh, by the way, did I say “best friend”? I should probably hold off on that term since the only link he seems to have with the story critical character is the fact that they know each other from work. Shouldn’t he trust someone a little more implicitly than “work associate” before he divulges the most important secret on the planet to him? Yeah, I know he helped him at the alien crash scene as well but even THAT seems like quite a lot to ask from someone whose first name you barely know.

Well, back to the action, we witness the first time Hal gets to use his powers in a practical situation, and even though creating a turbo jet car and a track out of thin air to keep a crashing helicopter away from innocent bystanders seems a lot more complicated to do than creating… I dunno… a WALL… or a PILLOW… it seems to work out well enough. Then of course Hal shows off his identity to what’s-his-face and what’s-her-name which goes against everything we know about the corps… then something happens… something else happens… the #2 bad guy gets a giant head and tries to kill Tim Robbins. Then Hal busts in and saves the day. The climactic battle ensues… and this is where things get just plain creepy.

I know I’ve stated before that setting up climactic and epic showdowns between the hero and villain has become way too much of a focal point in Hollywood action films, but there has GOT to be a happy medium between Transformers and Green Lantern. Yeah, Transformers may have had WAY TOO MANY explosions, gunfights, and giant killer robots, but do you want to know how the climax of Green Lantern plays out? Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

SPOILERS BELOW

Hal comes smashing through the wall and saves How Stella Got Her Groove Back by creating a pool of water for her to fall into (and probably drown in), then gets knocked down by Big Head Guy (Bad Guy #2). Big Head Guy walks over to where he is lying helplessly, then falls over (yes, FALLS over, not lay down) and the two of the lay next to each other looking sheepishly into each other’s eyes. They take turns touching each other with their fingers while exchanging awkward quips, Big Head Guy burns Tim Robbins alive with some flame throwers while still looking into Hal’s eyes, and then Hal throws the bad guy into some steam, where he yells at him angrily before standing up and walking out the front door. I am NOT S**TTING you, that is how the climax plays out. If you think I’m exaggerating, feel free to watch the movie yourself and tell me otherwise.

END SPOILERS

So anyways, a whopping army of six whole Green Lanterns go to confront Bad Guy #1 (Parallax) in space who is controlling Big Head Guy on Earth. They of course get their asses kicked so Sinestro runs away instead of trying to help them and decides the best way to fight this power is by using the power of fear to create a yellow ring and defeat Parallax. For being the wisest and mightiest heroes in the galaxy these guys are practically retarded. They just saw the creation of this monster first hand when it tried to use fear, and the first thing they think of to fight is  “Well s**t, it seemed to work well for that guy, let’s do the same”. And this horrible idea stems from the loss of six Lanterns?

Listen… nobody likes losing their friends in battle, but when you take on this responsibility it seems that you are signing up to risk your life in defense of the universe. Losing six superheroes may sound like a crushing defeat, but just moments ago we saw an entire planet literally filled with Green Lanterns. Maybe instead of launching a last ditch campaign that will probably corrupt and eventually destroy every single Lantern you should try sending more than 0.00000000000000001% of your fighting force to deal with this guy, especially when just six of you seemed to be enough to almost defeat him in the last confrontation. Also, when a Lantern dies they don’t lose that power for the rest of time, the ring just finds someone new to wield it instead, so they could replace those lost lanterns in like, a month tops.

So the time for the final battle comes. Hal talks the council out of being stupid assholes and asks to let him fight Parallax instead. They snicker behind their hands and tell him sure… go for it, so he heads back to Earth to fight Big Head Guy. Hal is ready for the final confrontation, he’s pumped, he’s angry, and he uses his cosmic powers to… immediately surrender all over again and give that power to the bad guy (ugh). Why did the ring choose this idiot in the first place? So he hands over the ring… stuff happens again… Parallax shows up and says Bad Guy #2 has failed him (HOW?!? This dude just got you the most powerful weapon in the universe?) and kills him. Hal of course gets his ring back and creates a whole bunch of items to conveniently stop this planet sized dude.

Around this time I was REALLY starting to get tired of the Green Lantern creating items out of thin air to fight the bad guys. It was cool once or twice, but after about two hours it begins to stop resembling a superhero movie and starts to resemble Inspector Gadget. I looked up the wiki on Green Lantern and his powers are limitless, but apparently the only thing this movie decided to focus on was flying and making crap like jets (that somehow fly in space) up on the fly. Good guys win… Green Lanterns love humans, and they all live happily ever after.

So the story stinks, but at the very least it doesn’t suffer from the problem I pointed out in my last review, glazing over important components of the story arc. This film was written with a beginning, a middle, and an end, and more importantly it had an introduction, rising action, climax, falling action, and a resolution. If a jumbled, disjointed mess like this film could get that right then I don’t understand how other big budget films could screw it up so badly.

It was a shame that this film failed so miserably because there were several things in it that really set it apart from other action films as well. Ryan Reynolds did a great job in the role of Hal Jordan, and this role is something of a record because it makes him the only actor I can think of who has played three major comic book characters (his other two were Hannibal King and Wade Wilson/Deadpool) well. He brought a sort of happy, childish glee to the role that I think every person in the world would exhibit if they got these powers. It reminded me of Chris Evans in Fantastic Four, who, if you remember, was the only good thing about that piece of crap movie as well. It was just really good to see someone embrace a role so completely that I have a feeling he probably grew up loving comic books.

The effects were pretty solid as well, and even though several parts of the film were purposely cartoony the majority of the film looked pretty polished and cool. It was also really nice to see prosthetics used instead of overusing CGI again, as Big-Head-Guy was a thousand times more real looking than any version of CG Yoda. Also nice to see was that the film wasn’t afraid to bring a sense of cosmic importance to the table, you really felt there was a lot at stake if the Lanterns failed. Just including the space aspect of the franchise was a breath of fresh air as well, since most comic book movies will neuter the space angle because they are afraid of alienating (no pun intended) the audience.

That being said, there were countless other things about the film that I hated, but didn’t bring up in my summary. One of the funniest that stood out in my head was the “lack of nerves” attack and flashback scene that Hal has in his fighter jet at the beginning of the movie. A few years ago there was a satire of jet fighter action movies called Hot-Shots, and one of the funnier spoofs included in the film was a very funny satire of Charlie Sheen freaking out in his cockpit whenever anyone mentioned his dad. The way it was shot, the voiceovers while it happened, the close-up of his face while the radio screamed in his ear, it all looked like a funny interpretation of every action movie ever where the hero has an emotional breakdown, and it was hysterical.

Unfortunately, the makers of Green Lantern decided to channel that exact scene in this film, and the result it just as hilarious, only not intentionally. They may as well have given Hal the callsign “Maverick-Right-After-Goose-Dies” he freaks out so badly, and even more ridiculous is the fact that absolutely NOTHING triggered his breakdown except for a picture of his father he keeps on his instruments gauges (because in flight school they teach you it’s smart to cover up your instruments with a whole bunch of random s**t). If he flies with that picture all the time then how come he’s never freaked out like that before? The Scene just came off sooooooo cheesy.

The cinematography is just as mediocre and generic as this scene as well, as almost every single shot of the film is a flat angle shot. No imagination or unique storytelling here, just flat angle shot after flat angle shot at every turn. Dance scene in the bar? Flat angle shot. Showing his costume to his friend? Flat Angle Shot. Talking to the Overlords about Parallax? Flat angle shot. Flat angle shot, flat angle shot, flat angle shot, flat angle shot, flat angle shot, flat angle shot, flat angle shot. The cinematographer broke new ground when he decided to show weapons materialize in Hal and Sinestro’s hands from a (gasp) low angle shot, and then showed Hal murdering a bunch of rowdy bar patrons with a giant fist from a (wait for it)… high angle shot. Even most of the jet fighter scenes were shot at a flat angle!

And oh yeah, the acting! Where the hell was it in this film? I can’t even imagine how irritating it must have been to be Ryan Reynolds and see everyone around you just reading their lines with no emotion, especially considering how hard he tried to make this movie work. The only other person in the film who didn’t look like he was ready for a nap was Tim Robbins, but his role was so minor and insignificant that his performance is mostly wasted. I don’t know who Blake Lively is, but I didn’t buy into her character al all. I have a feeling that Big Head Guy was trying to inject a sinister edge or something into his role and have some fun with it, but he just came of sorta gay and weird, especially in that awkward climax. Even the usually awesome Mark Strong came off sounding bored out of his mind, like he wanted to be in any film but this one.

Once again we are given a Hollywood assembly line action film, mostly devoid of feeling, personality, and soul. It comes off like a movie imitating a movie, with all the crucial points of a film replaced by sterile special effects and uninteresting characters. Despite the surprisingly likeable turn in from Ryan Reynolds and the generic but sort of enjoyable first half, the film’s self-destructive second half totally ruins what could have been a great comic film.

5.5 out of 10

Toothpick TV: Fringe

A lot of great shows never even come close to getting the respect that they deserve before they are taken off the air because of lack of viewers. Firefly, Tru Calling, Dollhouse, Arrested Development, Deadwood, The Shield, The 4400, and of course The Wire are just a few of the many great shows that seem to slip through the cracks amongst a sea of much higher rated shows such as… ugh… Whitney, Will and Grace, and Jersey Shore. This week’s TV pick not only happens to be a phenomenal show struggling with the ratings problem, but a contender for my favorite show currently on TV.

Fringe is a science fiction/mystery drama that revolves around the supernatural cases investigated by the specialized “Fringe Division” of the FBI. It’s the third television brainchild of the always interesting JJ Abrams (Lost, Alias, Cloverfield, MI: III, Super 8) and right off the bat this series got a lot of attention because it sounded and looked like a beefed up, better version of the X-files. Instead of simply following two agents however, this show revolves more around the division itself, including a strong lead by relative newcomer Anna Torv as protagonist Special Agent Olivia Dunham, a talented Joshua Jackson as consultant and liaison Peter Bishop, the perpetually outstanding Lance Reddick as Agent Phillip Broyles, and John Noble as the eccentric and slightly schizotypal scientific researcher Walter Bishop in a role so brilliantly interpreted and portrayed that it astounds me he has not yet won an Emmy, let alone been nominated.  In many ways though, Fringe far exceeds even the best strengths of the X-files, with a much deeper main story arc, more interesting and likeable characters, and a more intriguing and mysterious antagonists.

Like X-Files, Fringe’s weekly stories revolve around the “Monster of the Week” storyline structure, which means that every week the division must investigate a new case of supernatural origin, but where most X-file monsters were usually isolated episodic events that typically had no connection with the occasional “Smoking Man” episodes sprinkled in, Fringe episodes go out of the way to have the story advanced every week, even if it is just a little. At first these episodes deal with an emerging series of strange events referred to as “The Pattern”, but as the mystery of these incidents slowly unfolds and the story advances the heroes begin to discover that there is a much more sinister and deeper conspiracy underlying these strange occurrences.

As I mentioned before, the creator and producer of this show is JJ Abrams, who gained a lot of fame (and notoriety) by becoming the master of conspiracy with his almost torturous creation of mysteries made famous in Lost. Throughout the entire series of Lost many questions were left unanswered, and every time one of them was explained the show would create two more for the viewer to pull their hair out over. This trend eventually created a storyline that was so tangled and contradictory that by the end of the show, even with a final season dedicated to explaining every mystery they STILL didn’t have answers to all of the questions brought up throughout the series. This created quite a backlash of anger from the viewers after the series finale, with many people calling it everything from “The Worst Season of Lost Ever” to “The Worst Season of Television Ever”, and eventually JJ Abrams himself issued a statement which was basically an apology for how the show fell apart after he left.

JJ Abrams seems to have learned from his mistakes however, and where Lost utterly failed with its’ handling of mysteries, Fringe excels. Questions brought up in the beginning of each season are more or less explained and dealt with by the end, and fresh mysteries never have a chance to grow stagnant and forgotten as seasons pass. The audience’s continued watching and dedication to the show is rewarded with rich, compelling storytelling that perpetually moves the story forward, and as mysteries are solved fresh questions are brought up to replace them in a sort of ever expanding web of mystery. There is, however, one critical question in the show that has yet to answer, an important mystery that was introduced in the first season, but this mystery is vital to the advancement of the story and it is handled with respect and deliberate pacing. When the time comes to finally answer it the answer won’t take an entire season to explain like Lost, so I don’t have much of an issue with it remaining a mystery.

At its’ heart Fringe is an excellent and well written mystery, but each episode brings with it powerful and interesting twists in the overall story. The direction is taut and exciting, creating a sense of tension when necessary interfused with moments of well written comic relief (usually courtesy of Walter). The show also deals with very important world issues on a more subliminal base, issues such as morality, segregation, fear (both of the unknown and in general), ethical science and research, and a truly believable and interesting love story arc between two of the main characters. The camerawork is excellent, so much so that you can often find yourself forgetting that this is simply a TV show and not a big budget movie. It’s not flashy or distracting like one of the many CSIs or NCIS, but it’s well worked, well framed, and uses the occasional camera trick to create a sense of supernatural undertone that goes a long way towards establishing the perfect atmosphere for a show like this.

One of the things sets Fringe on a higher plane of likeability that all the other shows on TV is the little touches and nods to other established works that it goes out of the way to acknowledge. Tiny details and storylines often help excel this show past the competition, everything from a small camera trick here, to a little homage here. A good example would be an episode that explores the work of Dr. Bishop before his eventual downfall. Now obviously the entire episode takes place in the eighties, but instead of simply using the same introductory theme the creators of the show put together this brilliant homage to eighties TV logos.

Here is the original…



And here is the eighties version…



All in all this is one of the most compelling television shows I have seen in quite a while, and one of the reasons why I am beginning to like TV more than film due to its’ expert storytelling over meaningless effects. The first and second seasons are sublime, and include episodes that are nothing short of the best television I have ever seen, chock full of incredible moments like the twists at the end of the first episode, the introduction of “The Observers”, and Olivia’s freakishly strange car accident in the season premiere of Season 2. Everything about this show is handled with the respect and appropriate pacing one would expect to see from a ratings powerhouse, despite the fact that this show has been perpetually struggling for viewers.

Which brings me to my final point, missing this show would be a crime, which is why I am so saddened to see it constantly fighting the ax as it tries to bring new viewers into its’ interesting story. I myself was a latecomer, and I didn’t start getting into this show until I downloaded the first season from my companies shared drive in Iraq, but as soon as I got home I watched every episode of it on Netflix, bought season 3 when it came out, and forced my wife and her family to watch it from the beginning (all of them are now caught up and addicted). One weakness this show has that the X-files doesn’t however is a weakness that it shares with Arrested Development, in that it is very hard for the average viewer to simply “jump in” to the show halfway through its’ fourth season. It is best enjoyed when begun from episode one, but many people’s schedules are flat out too hectic to start a new series from scratch just to catch up with where it is now.

This is also a good point however, as that first season is so exciting and so interesting that I am honestly envious of everyone who gets to watch it without knowing what they are getting into. Whether you’re a fan of mysteries, dramas, sci-fi, shows that are a bit different from everything else out there, or just have some down time to catch up on one of the best kept secrets on TV, this show has something that everyone can enjoy.

Captain America: The First Avenger

Captain America: The First Avenger is the final new Marvel property to be given the cinema treatment before The Avengers comes out next summer. The film was a crucial element to this franchise, as fans of Marvel will know that Cap is actually the leader of the Avengers in the comic, so naturally this film’s success was going to be very important for the setup of the Avengers film. Now I loved both of the Iron Man films, I greatly enjoyed Thor, and I even kind of dug the majority of The Incredible Hulk, but while I was watching these films I couldn’t help but remember that they were all equally important to the franchise. So how does Captain America stack up to these box office powerhouses? Not the worst, but far from the best.

Really quick though, I’d like to get something out in the open. A lot of people who know me know that I love Red Letter Media, to the point where I have been recommending them to all of my friends, but now I’m starting to get sick of watching their reviews. My frustration has nothing to do with the quality of their material, which is always ingenious, but as I watched their review of Captain America I was (once again) completely overwhelmed by how they brought up every single problem I planned on addressing with the movie, to the point where I almost don’t want to write this review because I’m afraid it will look like a rip-off of everything they said. But… I’m gonna do it anyways as I have been thinking of what to write for the better part of the weekend, and I’ll try my best to bring out some new stuff as well.

First of all, we’ll talk about what works with the film, and happily I actually have a lot of stuff to write about with this field. The first half to two-thirds of the film feels like a very cool, very original take on a period piece put together with a comic book origin story. The look and feel of the film shares the classic Joe Johnston period feeling that was in with The Rocketeer, and all the characters of the film are played well by the respective leads. Chris Evans plays two sides of the coin with perfection, and it’s easy to see why he’s quickly becoming one of Hollywood’s leading men because of the sad, downtrodden performance he turns in while he plays “original” skinny Steve Rogers, a patriot and true hero stuck in a weakling’s body. We feel the depression and sadness that Steve feels when he is rejected time and time again for service, and as we see the good guy and true patriot lurking beneath his unimpressive frame we can’t wait to see the transformation we know is coming.

The rest of the cast is rounded out well, as Tommy Lee Jones is classically grumpy and bitter, Hugo Weaving is fantastically sinister, and newcomer Hayley Atwell is charming and likeable in her performance of Peggy Carter. The real star of the show however, is the always outstanding Stanley Tucci as Dr. Abraham Erskine. Tucci’s subtle and brilliant application of a gentle kindness and soul turns what could have been a thankless role into a powerhouse of a father-like figure. I would honestly see a back story about his background in the Third Reich and his dealing with Red Skull. Dominic Cooper does a good job as well playing Tony Stark’s father Howard, but sadly Neal McDonough’s perfect portrayal of Dun-Dun Dugan is reduced to a “blink and you miss it” role, as is Sebastian Stan’s Bucky.

The first half of the film does a great job setting the stage for Cap, and creates an amazing recreation of America in the throes of WWII. After Steve finally gets the procedure to turn him into Captain America a thrilling chase sequence creates a sense of our hero unaware of his own power that I have never seen done so well in any comic book movie before. As he chases an enemy agent he overshoots streets, crashing through windows due to legs that are much stronger and faster than he is used to. As much as I loved the original Spiderman the biggest complaint I had with it was how Peter magically knew how to swing through the city the first time he tries it. That’s not the case here, as most of the film revolves around Steve unsure of his new position, both in strength and in fame. We see that Erskine chose well, as even after receiving his new gifts we see that the only thing Steve wants is to go to the front lines and fight in the war.

Following his transformation Steve is stuck doing a series of War Bond propaganda performances, and we are treated to a classic WWII montage of his performances as he does his best to help his country in the only way he is allowed. It isn’t long however until he finally gets his moment to take his skills to war, and he finally sees an opportunity to go to battle when he realizes his best friend has been taken hostage. So we gear up, get ready, and finally make our way into action movie territory.

Sadly, this is where things begin to fall apart in the film, and at a surprisingly quick pace. As the action revs up and we see Cap go to war the pace of the film quickens to that of a rocket ship… with us holding on to the tail fins desperately trying to keep up with the story. Entire chunks of important information are disseminated in mere moments, nearly as bad as they were handled in Transformers 3. One moment Cap is at odds with his love interest over a momentary lapse of judgment, and then mere minutes later they are apparently in love while we weren’t shown any significant progression on how they arrived at that point. I feel like the quick pace of the second half of this film seriously tarnished what could have been a great entry into the comic book franchise and the upcoming Avengers film. Even worse is the fact that I honestly didn’t know that we were at the final showdown of the film until we see the Red Skull taking off in a plane we recognize from the beginning, the end of the film was just so rushed. If the film had been given an additional thirty minutes or so of expository dialogue I think this movie could have been one of the better superhero movie entries to come out in quite a while.

Now Captain America is not the first adaptation film to suffer from this problem, as it is normally something associated with all films involving the origin of a character. This problem is known as “Origin Story Syndrome”, and while many comic book films suffer from it this is probably one of the worst cases I have seen in a while of the “rushed second half” problem. Spiderman suffered from this problem, but they were able to more or less overcome it by packing the origin story into the first forty minutes or so of the film while creating a villain for us in the same timeframe. This timeframe allowed for both character developments to happen evenly and early on, and then left the us with another hour and twenty minutes left of film, plenty of time to set-up the conflict between Spidey and Goblin as opposed to Captain America’s roughly forty-five minutes.

Another example of a movie that was able to overcome “Origin Story Syndrome” was Batman Begins, and they solved this problem in a very unique way, they turned the entire film into an origin story. Sure, you can argue that Bruce Wayne only trained for the first half of the film, but throughout all of the second half we see the character of the Batman himself still evolving throughout the film. The first time Bruce Wayne pays a visit to Gordon he’s only wearing his body armor and a ski mask, and his inexperience and lack of equipment nearly gets his retarded ass killed when he almost plummets to his doom. Later on he nearly gets gassed to death and set on fire because he hadn’t learned to mind his surroundings. After that he finally begins to master the art of fear, and at roughly the four-fifths mark we finally see him humbled once he sees how not yet overcoming his arrogant impulsiveness costs him his family’s mansion. The final step in Batman’s training at the end of the film mirrors the final act he was supposed to commit during his training with the League of Shadows where he refused to execute a murderer, and while he still refuses to kill the evil Rhas-al Ghul himself he makes the decision to let him die at his own hands, creating a linchpin choice in the creation of Batman. These films show how with a little creative thinking and good film making a well-made superhero movie can overcome Origin Story Syndrome.

Something else that bugged me was the ham-fisted use of CG during the war scenes. Early use of CG to show Chris Evans as a weakling was done so perfectly and seamlessly that I couldn’t stop raving about how amazing it looked. I wish I had the same life problems that Chris Evans apparently has in the beginning of the film, where they need to use state of the art CG to make him look like I normally do. Once the war begins though the direction and cinematography seems to forget that practical, real effects can be super effective in a WWII period piece like in Saving Private Ryan and Band of Brothers. If they had stuck with using practical effects like this augmented slightly with a touch of CG here and there the movie would have been much more impressive looking. Instead we get entire backgrounds that are reminiscent of the lazy CG background paintings of the Star Wars prequels, almost cartoonish looking scenes mapped against crazy action sequences that actually jolt the audience out of the period.

Now you may be thinking that a suspension of belief is always required with these films, but I’m talking about lazy film making and a lack of detail that creates a scene that makes no sense. A good example is an action scene where Cap and friends zip-line onto a superfast bullet train that is carrying a key scientist for HYDRA. Right off the bat the background looks silly and painted, but it’s acceptable as a CG scene because obviously they couldn’t do this trick onto a real speeding train going this fast. Where the film fails to create a proper illusion though is that once the guys are on the top of the train they seem to forget that this thing looks like it’s going about 140 mph because Cap and his soldiers are walking on top of it without any wind, cold, or any elements of the scene directly opposing them. It wouldn’t have been hard to have them struggling against the whipping wind, walking slowly, leaning into it while maybe a stage hand has a super strong wind machine blowing in their face, but in the movie I don’t even think I saw their clothes fluttering. In fact I could be mistaken, but I think the black soldier was wearing a cap that never got blown off the whole time they were on this speeding locomotive.

CG scenes like this detract from the atmosphere that this film could have had going for it as one of its greatest strengths, and it’s a shame to see it this way because movies have had great train action scenes since the beginning of film. In fact the train robbery in Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid was made with a fraction of this film’s budget and came out looking a thousand times better due to the realistic camerawork and stunt work involved. It wasn’t just one scene either, as there were a number of potentially outstanding action pieces that seemed to be ruined by sloppy camerawork and rushed storylines. It just feels like a real shame that the second half of the film was such a letdown compared to the first half.

This apparent shortfall is just one small part of the problem I had with the film, as one of my more major concerns was the symbolism of the period, or rather, the lack of any. This film could have been an amazing look at an alternate timeline in life when a superhero fought the Nazis in WWII, classic symbolism like an American Flag vs. the Swastika could have created an emotional powerhouse and connected with the audience in a great way. Instead, the legion of oh-so-wise producers overseeing the film decided to do away with almost every piece of WWII symbolism in a pathetic effort to make this film appeal to audiences worldwide. The only semblance of an American flag is Cap’s shield, I don’t even think I saw a swastika, and the producers even tried their best to have “America” taken out of the film’s title and simply have it called The First Avenger.

How pathetic and cowardly has Hollywood become to go so far out of their way to not want to offend the overseas market? One of the biggest things I hear about this film is that Joe Johnston was picked to direct it because of his prior film The Rocketeer, but did the producers forget that a majority of this film revolved around American patriotism? I am seriously getting sick and tired of this PC bulls**t trying to neuter every single possible implication that someone in a film might actually be proud of the country they were born and raised in, such as the did in the new Superman film when he said he fought for “Truth, justice, and peace” as opposed to his original ideals of “Truth, justice, and the American way”, and if you listen very closely to the dialogue of Captain America you never really hear a lot of people talking about how they are fighting “for their country” like they should be saying. Genuine, great, real scenes involving anything even resembling pride in their country have become a thing of the past, even in a film about the greatest patriot in the history of comics, and this continuing fad of fading out any sort of national pride is flat out insulting to filmgoers.

Say what you will about The Rocketeer, but I would rather watch that film any day over the drivel that is being produced by Hollywood these days, and anyone who has seen the film can attest to the feel-good patriotism that is apparent in most of the film. In fact, one of my favorite scenes revolved around mob boss Eddie Valentine (a thinly veiled copy of Al Capone) telling his employer, the villainous Sinclair, to go screw himself once he realized that Sinclair was a Nazi secret agent. How cool is the idea that a self proclaimed monster such as Valentine finds the idea of betraying his country utterly loathsome? It just makes you feel kinda giddy that even a truly despicable person draws the line at treason.

But even though this is the same director making a film that should have promoted MORE patriotism, I have a mental picture of a snooty Hollywood producer shaking his head every time Johnston snuck in an American flag. Look, I don’t blame Johnston for this decision, and I know Hollywood is full of liberal, bed-wetting pussies, but you seriously have to draw the line at rewriting history and renaming a freaking FRANCHISE for the sake of your ticket sales. And by the way, despite the fact that Johnston refused to change the name to The First Avenger the film performed outstanding outside the US, so once again the producers are made to look like idiots for  trying to change the name.

The last major issue I had with the film can be partially blamed for the rushed second half, but I bring it up anyways because I see it happening more and more in summer action films. This story has pretty much NO resolution, and even though it has a brief attempt to transition into a commercial for the upcoming Avengers film it ends almost immediately after the climax. I’ve noticed this incredibly frustrating trend in more and more Hollywood blockbusters such as Mr. and Mrs. Smith, the Star Wars prequels, any Resident Evil movie, and (you guessed it) every Transformers film. In fact almost all of the Transformer films end immediately after the final confrontation, although I’m guessing this is because Michael Bay probably panicked and sped through the end as fast as he could when he realized that it’s pretty much impossible to create a resolution without explosions.

The point is that this crap shouldn’t be happening in Hollywood films AT ALL, let alone happening at an increasingly more common pace. This is basic storytelling 101 people, and how these high profile directors can’t nail a simple concept like this is baffling to me. There are many different ways to structure a basic three act story, but in a nutshell it can all be broken down into five parts of a story arc that looks something like this.



This is often referred to as “The Dramatic Structure” or a “Story Arc”. I guarantee that this basic rule can be found in any of your favorite films (as long as they are good), and I’ll even apply it to one of my favorite top five films, The Empire Strikes Back, even though it can be found in all five:

Part 1: Exposition/Introduction-The exposition provides the background information needed to properly understand the story, such as the problem in the beginning of the story.

Example-Luke, Han, Leia, and friends are introduced, and we learn they are establishing a new secret base. Vader is introduced as he attempts to hunt down Luke for purposes not yet known.

Part 2: Rising Action-During Rising Action, the basic internal conflict is complicated by the introduction of related secondary conflicts, obstacles, and possibly secondary adversaries that may work with the main antagonist or separately for themselves or actions unknown.

Example-The rebellion loses control of the Hoth base and is forced to evacuate. Hand and Leia go on the run while Luke searches out Yoda to train him as a Jedi. Boba Fett and the bounty hunters are introduced to hunt down the heroes. Han and Leia are eventually betrayed and captured and Luke decides to rescue them against the wishes of Yoda and Obi-Wan

Part 3: Climax-Also known as the “Turning Point” marks a change, for better or worse, in the protagonist’s struggle. If the story is a comedy, things that have gone badly for the character will begin to go well. If the story is a tragedy, the opposite will occur. In a nutshell, this is the most dramatic and important part of the story.

Example-Han is frozen in carbonite and taken by Boba Fett. Leia, Chewie and Lando shoot their way out of Bespin and are pursued by the Empire’s TIE fighters. Luke is defeated in battle with Vader, learns that Vader is his father, and sacrifices himself rather than join the dark side.

Part 4: Falling Action-During the falling action which is the moment of reversal after the climax, the conflict between the protagonist and the antagonist unravels, with the protagonist winning or losing against the antagonist. The falling action might contain a moment of final suspense, during which the final outcome of the conflict is in doubt as we head into the conclusion.

Example-Luke is rescued by Leia and Lando, who are still being pursued by the Imperial Fleet in a frantic pursuit as Vader unsuccessfully continues to try to convert Luke. The Millenium Falcon goes into hyperspace moments before being captured.

Part 5: Denouement/Resolution-All conflicts are resolved. A release of tension and anxiety is achieved for the characters and the audience.

Example-Luke and Leia are shown safe with the Rebellion Fleet. Lando and Chewie leave to rescue Han. George Lucas strokes his beard in sadistic envy at how Irvin Kirshner was able to utterly outdo him in every way.

When you look at this example you can see how a film with great pacing and storytelling like Empire and pretty much any other great film follows this basic simple structure, so it’s confusing to me how these writers and directors who land the biggest jobs in Hollywood could screw something like a resolution up so badly. When you can’t handle something as simple as a resolution then it’s time to move on from movies, and don’t tell me there wasn’t time for a proper resolution because you can do one quite well with a limited time window if you’re creative. The Prestige had a brilliant final dialogue that wrapped up all the loose ends, relaxed the tension of the film, and answered the question that compelled the entire conflict of the story, all in the span of less than five minutes. The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly dealt with Falling Action and Resolution brilliantly as well by following the climactic Mexican standoff with less than ten minutes of screen time. In that ten minutes we had falling action with digging up the gold and hanging Tuco, resolution with Blondie shooting him down, and even a final iconic shot of Blondie riding off into the sunset.

New directors and big budget films seem to be happily skipping all of these massive bookmarks in storytelling. Mr and Mrs Smith had the climactic final gun battle in a department store, skips over Falling Action all together, and then gives a half assed thirty second final therapy session with the two characters where NOTHING is resolved or tied up. Captain America has the climactic showdown on the airplane, barely addresses Falling Action as he crash lands the plane, and then includes a few minutes of Peggy looking over Cap’s files and Cap waking up in modern day New York as a hardly satisfactory resolution. And of course… Transformers 3 ends with the obligatory “Optimus fighting Big Bad Guy” climax, a few clips of the main characters standing around aimlessly that resolves nothing, and Optimus spouting useless words of wisdom before a sudden and jarring edit to “DIRECTED BY MICHAEL BAY”. Yup, ol’ Mike skips over Falling action and Resolution altogether.

All in all though at the end of the day I can overlook these problems and recommend Captain America as an enjoyable mindless action romp. My biggest regret about it however is just seeing such a promising first half followed by so many easily correctable mistakes peppering the second half.

7 out of 10

Transformers: Dark of the Moon

I'm sorry if this review seems rushed, but I wrote it in about (literally) 2 and a half hours.

I want to tell you right off the bat, I had high hopes for Transformers: Dark of the Moon. Sure the first film was mediocre, but it was also kind of enjoyable, and even though the second film was an absolute train wreck from beginning to end hell, nobody is perfect. So when I heard this film was coming out to somewhat positive reviews my ears began to prick up a little bit. People began to say that this film was the best of the three films, and that Bay had toned down his use of the shaky-cam enough to where you could watch the film and NOT feel like you were having a seizure. So I let my hopes kind of rise a bit, I mean I loved Transformers as a kid, and the idea that this was going to be a big budget action movie with a cool story and flushed out autobots for a change made me a little excited. So I rented the movie, made a tub of popcorn, and sat down with the wife to watch the movie.

Oh……………

I didn’t know this film was supposed to be a satire. I didn’t know this film was supposed to be a mirror to reflect everything an action movie SHOULDN’T be, but man did I have that coming. Where do I begin?

The biggest problem I had with the film was the story, or rather, the epileptic construct of a “mock” story. Nothing in the film made ANY sense, it was just a series of clean, crisp, colorful images put together by a first year film student to piece together long and intense action sequences. Critical plot points are glazed over in the span of seconds, and that is NOT an exaggeration. Remember when I did my Twilight review last week and I said the only thing the film had going for it was that at least the scenes were constructed to explain what was going on in the film? Well this film with it’s $400 million dollar production budget (I didn’t make that up) and it’s nearly three hour run time failed to accomplish even THAT simple objective.

Getting back to the biggest problem though, is its utter confusion at how to properly handle important plot points. Here’s an example that stood out in my mind. So Sam and John Turturro find out the most important thing ever, they find out the Decepticons have collected these doomsday devices and they’re gonna use them to kill us all. Basically, how the good guys plan to manage this information would require a series of short scenes explaining the game plan to the audience and going something like this in a normal story driven film:

1.       Explanative dialogue discussing the implications of this discovery (1:30)

2.       Scene of Sam and John discussing a battle plan of what to do with this crucial piece of knowledge, allowing the audience to understand the game plan. (1:00)

3.       Scene of Sam talking to CPT Lennox over the phone about an idea. (0:30)

4.       Lennox relays information to autobots, one will likely volunteer to meet Sam (1:30)

5.       Sam meets up with the volunteer and they head to destination (1:00)

That’s just five and half minutes to set up a coherent scene that explains the motivations and actions of the characters and shows how they arrived at a destination. Instead, here’s how the film does it:

1.       Quick gloss over of moon pictures by Russians (0:05)

2.       Sam is on the phone saying “We picked up Sentinal and we’re moving out (0:03)

3.       Arrival at destination (0:02)

The film crammed all that important discussion into ten seconds, leading to a disjointed, confusing scene where the audience is wondering what in God’s name they’re doing. Now you may say “Well if they took that long then the film would be WAY too long”, to which I reply “They didn’t have to waste as much time as they did on pointless parts of the film”. Here are some examples of wasted film, and I am NOT lying about the times:

1.       Nine minutes are spent on slow motion close ups of girlfriend #2 and her grotesquely over-inflated lips.

2.       Two additional minutes are spent on an initial close up of said girl’s ass.

3.       Nearly fifteen minutes are spent in useless dialogue with Sam’s parents (there was one good joke however)

4.       Nineteen minutes are spent on a side-plot involving an autobot spaceship that ends up going nowhere.

5.       Eleven minutes are spent focusing on girl #2 and Sam’s s**tty relationship

6.       The last eighty minutes of the film focus on the climax.

EIGHTY MINUTES! This film wasted eighty minutes on one action scene, and while yes, this is an action movie and this is the most important part of the movie you didn’t need to drag it on for eighty god damn minutes and create a scene that became boring around the twenty minute mark. The point is…

SPOILER ALERT!

 the doomsday device is destroyed, bad guys lose, and Optimus beats Sentinal. You could have gotten all of that in around twenty minutes, like the first film did.

END SPOILERS

Dragging this scene out for that long detracts from the crucial time you could have spent developing the story into something more than a disjointed, confusing mess. At one point during the film my wife turned to me and asked if I understood what the f**k was going on, and she pointed out that it felt like huge chunks of story were lobotomized from the film to make way for bigger ‘splosions. As a result of this strange compressing and expanding of the wrong film elements we are left with important scenes that are squeezed way too small and action scenes that are stretched way too long. What’s even worse is that some elements of the story were actually really cool, it felt like this film might have had a decent writer pen out a real story at one point, but when he went to see his movie in the big screen with his family he was tearing out his hair in fury at what Bay had done to his script. If you had met in the middle with these two elements you could have had a breathtaking action film with a great plot, good action, and interesting characters.

Speaking of characters, what the hell is wrong with them? Sam is supposed to be the strong male lead in the film, but instead he comes across as a childish brat. At one point in the film he pulls up to a secret military base, and when they tell him he can’t go in he screams like a girl and starts flailing his arms like a child throwing a tantrum. I am not s**tting you, that actually happened in the film, and I expected him to start screaming “I WANT IT I WANT IT!” during this scene. He is utterly unlikeable in every sense due to rushed time constraints, and two people in the movie who are supposed to be “dicks” actually appealed to me more than the protagonist.

One of them was John Malkovich, utterly wasted and underused in this film, who explains that Sam “Wants the job ahead of the job he’s getting without actually putting in his time at the job”, which is unwittingly a perfect analogy for this entire flick. It wants to be this great summer blockbuster film about character and story without putting any effort into developing either, it’s like a spoiled rich kid who wants something without putting in the work for it. The other “dick” I agree with is Frances McDormand, also utterly wasted in this film, who is supposed to be a serious jerk because she gets angry that they a two twenty-something year old civilian and his girlfriend into the most secure, top-secret military base and doesn’t want someone who isn’t in the military to be part of military operations. Why is that a bad idea? How is she a jerk for insisting on that?

Luckily, Turturro returned (thank GOD) to his role as a former Sector 6 agent, and he’s joined by the always brilliant Alan Tudyk as his flamboyant assistant. I love me some Alan Tudyk, and the dude can do no wrong in whatever role he plays, but while he makes the most out of his limited screen time and turns in a genuinely great performance (I STILL wonder to this day how things would have played out if he ended up playing the Joker like he was supposed to) it isn’t long before the shitty script has this civilian commanding an operations center. How is this guy at all qualified to run a critical battle? The script does have a brilliant one line excuse for his existence though, and it’s “he’s a whiz with electronics”. Oh, so anyone who has a penchant for C++ can command entire armies in a battle that will decide our continued existence?

Worst of all though, is what they’ve done with the usually well rounded Optimus Prime. Normally he was a moral compass for the group, and took the moral high ground when faced with a tough decision, but in this movie it seems like he just stopped giving a s**t. At one point a turncoat for his side realizes the error of his ways and begs for forgiveness, and Optimus shoots the remorseful and unarmed person in the face. While I myself may not be opposed to capital punishment, Optimus always was in the show and previous movies, and with this simple act (and soooo many more in the movie) we see how the character has fallen from grace.

When all is said and done and the credits roll it just seems like this film is a weak excuse for a summer action film. It feels like a generic, by the numbers, production line assembly film. There’s no emotion to it, no feeling, all it comes down to seems to be Michael Bay ripping off countless other better movies shot for shot, then piecing them together into his cosmic joke. I saw a lot of scenes stolen from a lot of movies in this film, and I don’t mean scenes that are similar to other scenes, but shot for shot remakes of identical scenes. There’s a lot of stunning action in the movie, but one of my favorite shots involving a group of spec ops guys jumping out of a plane was a shot for shot copy from a video game called Metal Gear Solid 3. It doesn’t end there either, I saw scenes ripped off shot for shot from movies including (but not limited to) Back to the Future: Part 2, Inception, Uncharted 2, Cowboy Bebop, The Rock, Apollo 13, The French Connection, Swordfish, and Children of Men. And don’t say that these scenes are supposed to be a homage because they aren’t. If you want to see what an homage looks like watch Paul, because these scenes are a director ripping off ideas and scenes and claiming them as his own, trust me, he’s done this before (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Parts:_The_Clonus_Horror).

Even the music is a rip-off! While I was watching this film I really dug the main theme of the movie, it reminded me of a score I would hear in a much more emotion driven, better written action film. About half way through the movie though I realized that it was FROM a much more emotion driven, better written action film, the score was a total rip-off of the score from Inception! I don’t mean they borrowed the same music, I mean they wrote an entirely new score meant to emulate the dark tone and powerful crescendos of the Zach Hensey’s classic score, complete with the infamous “BWAAAAAAWM” that was mocked so much in the movie. Don’t believe me? Check this out, it will blow your mind.

This is the main over-arcing theme from Transformers, move the slider so the music will start at the 1:06 mark when you hit play, then keep it paused.

This is the main over-arcing theme from Inception, move the slider so the music will start at the 1:00 mark when you hit play, then keep it paused.

Now listen to the Inception piece from 1:00 to 1:50, then immediately start the Transformers piece and listen from 1:06 to 1:56. Yeah, the whole of the two songs are identical too, but that part made me laugh. It seems like all these decisions like butchering the script, bloating the action scenes, ripping off other movies, castrating talented actors, they all come from one man, Mr. Bay.

Now it’s hard for me to pick on Michael Bay, I have friends who have met him and say he’s a super nice guy. He’s patriotic (as is apparent in his movies), loves what he does, loves the military, and can direct some good action sequences. I also think that if he were to change gears he would be one of the best cinematographers or producers Hollywood has ever seen, plus it seems like all I ever do is pick on him. On the other hand, he keeps making it sooooo damn easy to make fun of him! It seems like every single moment that it’s time to have normal character dialogue, plot development, or anything not explosion related, he panics and rushes through it as fast as he can so that he can get back to more action scenes. It’s just lazy direction, and his perpetual making of empty, hollow, meaningless action scenes reminds me of one thing.

It reminds me of a dumb hick sitting at a gas station, complaining about the economy and saying over and over that we can fix this problem by printing more paper money. He doesn’t understand the idea that you need something (emotional connection) to back up the currency (action scenes), and people will try to tell them that this won’t work without a gold currency to back this cash up, but he waves them away with his hand and insists that his stupid theory is right. Well guess what, the dumb hick is starting to prove he was right after all. His plans to direct three stupid Transformer films have now grossed so much money that the studios are now begging him to do a 4 and 5, and WE are to blame. By making these jokes of films box office gold WE have made the decision to keep encouraging studios to abandon brilliant independent projects in favor of this crap, and over time WE will pay the price. Whether you saw this film in theaters or at home is besides the point, all that matters is that there are two people reading this review, people who understand what I’m trying to say (not even agree, but understand), and people who insist that we can fix the economy by printing more paper money.


By the way, let's take a look at that list I made a few months back before I made this review.


1. Sam screams "OPTIMUUUUUUUS!" a lot-Check
2. Extended close-ups of the girl-Check
3. Doomsday machine that's going to kill us all revving up during climax-Check
4. A traitor emerges and tries to screw over the good guys-Double Check
5. Sam runs around in the finale trying to save his girlfriend-Check
6. Lennox jumps in with super special forces to save the day-Check
7. Optimus has to fight new, more powerful villain-Check
8. Optimus has to team up with Megatron to fight new villain-Check
9. Optimus and Megatron fight... AGAIN... Actually no! I missed one, even though he did kill Megatron

I don’t like the fact that I hate these movies, and I know I come off as a hater when I write these reviews, but I refuse to acknowledge that these films are OK action films when there are so many good, interesting, well made action movies out there with a soul to them. You watch a film like Transformers 3 and it feels like the soul of the movie has been removed, like there is nothing to the film other than an insecure and incompetent director just trying to make action scenes, and then you watch movies like The French Connection, Inception, The Dark Knight, and District 9 and you see how simple it is to create an emotional connection with the audience, a connection that makes your action so much more enjoyable and watchable. I remember seeing Transformers 2 in theaters and seeing tons of kids texting during the biggest action scenes in the film, not giving a crap about these dazzling action sequences unfolding in front of them. Shortly after that I saw District 9 in the theaters, and for the entire last half hour of the film I didn’t see a single phone, hear a single purse being shuffled through, or see a single person leave the theater even to use the bathroom, they were so engaged in the film. At the end of the day, it’s all about the emotion, and my emotion is resigned.

4 out of 10