Transformers: Dark of the Moon

I'm sorry if this review seems rushed, but I wrote it in about (literally) 2 and a half hours.

I want to tell you right off the bat, I had high hopes for Transformers: Dark of the Moon. Sure the first film was mediocre, but it was also kind of enjoyable, and even though the second film was an absolute train wreck from beginning to end hell, nobody is perfect. So when I heard this film was coming out to somewhat positive reviews my ears began to prick up a little bit. People began to say that this film was the best of the three films, and that Bay had toned down his use of the shaky-cam enough to where you could watch the film and NOT feel like you were having a seizure. So I let my hopes kind of rise a bit, I mean I loved Transformers as a kid, and the idea that this was going to be a big budget action movie with a cool story and flushed out autobots for a change made me a little excited. So I rented the movie, made a tub of popcorn, and sat down with the wife to watch the movie.

Oh……………

I didn’t know this film was supposed to be a satire. I didn’t know this film was supposed to be a mirror to reflect everything an action movie SHOULDN’T be, but man did I have that coming. Where do I begin?

The biggest problem I had with the film was the story, or rather, the epileptic construct of a “mock” story. Nothing in the film made ANY sense, it was just a series of clean, crisp, colorful images put together by a first year film student to piece together long and intense action sequences. Critical plot points are glazed over in the span of seconds, and that is NOT an exaggeration. Remember when I did my Twilight review last week and I said the only thing the film had going for it was that at least the scenes were constructed to explain what was going on in the film? Well this film with it’s $400 million dollar production budget (I didn’t make that up) and it’s nearly three hour run time failed to accomplish even THAT simple objective.

Getting back to the biggest problem though, is its utter confusion at how to properly handle important plot points. Here’s an example that stood out in my mind. So Sam and John Turturro find out the most important thing ever, they find out the Decepticons have collected these doomsday devices and they’re gonna use them to kill us all. Basically, how the good guys plan to manage this information would require a series of short scenes explaining the game plan to the audience and going something like this in a normal story driven film:

1.       Explanative dialogue discussing the implications of this discovery (1:30)

2.       Scene of Sam and John discussing a battle plan of what to do with this crucial piece of knowledge, allowing the audience to understand the game plan. (1:00)

3.       Scene of Sam talking to CPT Lennox over the phone about an idea. (0:30)

4.       Lennox relays information to autobots, one will likely volunteer to meet Sam (1:30)

5.       Sam meets up with the volunteer and they head to destination (1:00)

That’s just five and half minutes to set up a coherent scene that explains the motivations and actions of the characters and shows how they arrived at a destination. Instead, here’s how the film does it:

1.       Quick gloss over of moon pictures by Russians (0:05)

2.       Sam is on the phone saying “We picked up Sentinal and we’re moving out (0:03)

3.       Arrival at destination (0:02)

The film crammed all that important discussion into ten seconds, leading to a disjointed, confusing scene where the audience is wondering what in God’s name they’re doing. Now you may say “Well if they took that long then the film would be WAY too long”, to which I reply “They didn’t have to waste as much time as they did on pointless parts of the film”. Here are some examples of wasted film, and I am NOT lying about the times:

1.       Nine minutes are spent on slow motion close ups of girlfriend #2 and her grotesquely over-inflated lips.

2.       Two additional minutes are spent on an initial close up of said girl’s ass.

3.       Nearly fifteen minutes are spent in useless dialogue with Sam’s parents (there was one good joke however)

4.       Nineteen minutes are spent on a side-plot involving an autobot spaceship that ends up going nowhere.

5.       Eleven minutes are spent focusing on girl #2 and Sam’s s**tty relationship

6.       The last eighty minutes of the film focus on the climax.

EIGHTY MINUTES! This film wasted eighty minutes on one action scene, and while yes, this is an action movie and this is the most important part of the movie you didn’t need to drag it on for eighty god damn minutes and create a scene that became boring around the twenty minute mark. The point is…

SPOILER ALERT!

 the doomsday device is destroyed, bad guys lose, and Optimus beats Sentinal. You could have gotten all of that in around twenty minutes, like the first film did.

END SPOILERS

Dragging this scene out for that long detracts from the crucial time you could have spent developing the story into something more than a disjointed, confusing mess. At one point during the film my wife turned to me and asked if I understood what the f**k was going on, and she pointed out that it felt like huge chunks of story were lobotomized from the film to make way for bigger ‘splosions. As a result of this strange compressing and expanding of the wrong film elements we are left with important scenes that are squeezed way too small and action scenes that are stretched way too long. What’s even worse is that some elements of the story were actually really cool, it felt like this film might have had a decent writer pen out a real story at one point, but when he went to see his movie in the big screen with his family he was tearing out his hair in fury at what Bay had done to his script. If you had met in the middle with these two elements you could have had a breathtaking action film with a great plot, good action, and interesting characters.

Speaking of characters, what the hell is wrong with them? Sam is supposed to be the strong male lead in the film, but instead he comes across as a childish brat. At one point in the film he pulls up to a secret military base, and when they tell him he can’t go in he screams like a girl and starts flailing his arms like a child throwing a tantrum. I am not s**tting you, that actually happened in the film, and I expected him to start screaming “I WANT IT I WANT IT!” during this scene. He is utterly unlikeable in every sense due to rushed time constraints, and two people in the movie who are supposed to be “dicks” actually appealed to me more than the protagonist.

One of them was John Malkovich, utterly wasted and underused in this film, who explains that Sam “Wants the job ahead of the job he’s getting without actually putting in his time at the job”, which is unwittingly a perfect analogy for this entire flick. It wants to be this great summer blockbuster film about character and story without putting any effort into developing either, it’s like a spoiled rich kid who wants something without putting in the work for it. The other “dick” I agree with is Frances McDormand, also utterly wasted in this film, who is supposed to be a serious jerk because she gets angry that they a two twenty-something year old civilian and his girlfriend into the most secure, top-secret military base and doesn’t want someone who isn’t in the military to be part of military operations. Why is that a bad idea? How is she a jerk for insisting on that?

Luckily, Turturro returned (thank GOD) to his role as a former Sector 6 agent, and he’s joined by the always brilliant Alan Tudyk as his flamboyant assistant. I love me some Alan Tudyk, and the dude can do no wrong in whatever role he plays, but while he makes the most out of his limited screen time and turns in a genuinely great performance (I STILL wonder to this day how things would have played out if he ended up playing the Joker like he was supposed to) it isn’t long before the shitty script has this civilian commanding an operations center. How is this guy at all qualified to run a critical battle? The script does have a brilliant one line excuse for his existence though, and it’s “he’s a whiz with electronics”. Oh, so anyone who has a penchant for C++ can command entire armies in a battle that will decide our continued existence?

Worst of all though, is what they’ve done with the usually well rounded Optimus Prime. Normally he was a moral compass for the group, and took the moral high ground when faced with a tough decision, but in this movie it seems like he just stopped giving a s**t. At one point a turncoat for his side realizes the error of his ways and begs for forgiveness, and Optimus shoots the remorseful and unarmed person in the face. While I myself may not be opposed to capital punishment, Optimus always was in the show and previous movies, and with this simple act (and soooo many more in the movie) we see how the character has fallen from grace.

When all is said and done and the credits roll it just seems like this film is a weak excuse for a summer action film. It feels like a generic, by the numbers, production line assembly film. There’s no emotion to it, no feeling, all it comes down to seems to be Michael Bay ripping off countless other better movies shot for shot, then piecing them together into his cosmic joke. I saw a lot of scenes stolen from a lot of movies in this film, and I don’t mean scenes that are similar to other scenes, but shot for shot remakes of identical scenes. There’s a lot of stunning action in the movie, but one of my favorite shots involving a group of spec ops guys jumping out of a plane was a shot for shot copy from a video game called Metal Gear Solid 3. It doesn’t end there either, I saw scenes ripped off shot for shot from movies including (but not limited to) Back to the Future: Part 2, Inception, Uncharted 2, Cowboy Bebop, The Rock, Apollo 13, The French Connection, Swordfish, and Children of Men. And don’t say that these scenes are supposed to be a homage because they aren’t. If you want to see what an homage looks like watch Paul, because these scenes are a director ripping off ideas and scenes and claiming them as his own, trust me, he’s done this before (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Parts:_The_Clonus_Horror).

Even the music is a rip-off! While I was watching this film I really dug the main theme of the movie, it reminded me of a score I would hear in a much more emotion driven, better written action film. About half way through the movie though I realized that it was FROM a much more emotion driven, better written action film, the score was a total rip-off of the score from Inception! I don’t mean they borrowed the same music, I mean they wrote an entirely new score meant to emulate the dark tone and powerful crescendos of the Zach Hensey’s classic score, complete with the infamous “BWAAAAAAWM” that was mocked so much in the movie. Don’t believe me? Check this out, it will blow your mind.

This is the main over-arcing theme from Transformers, move the slider so the music will start at the 1:06 mark when you hit play, then keep it paused.

This is the main over-arcing theme from Inception, move the slider so the music will start at the 1:00 mark when you hit play, then keep it paused.

Now listen to the Inception piece from 1:00 to 1:50, then immediately start the Transformers piece and listen from 1:06 to 1:56. Yeah, the whole of the two songs are identical too, but that part made me laugh. It seems like all these decisions like butchering the script, bloating the action scenes, ripping off other movies, castrating talented actors, they all come from one man, Mr. Bay.

Now it’s hard for me to pick on Michael Bay, I have friends who have met him and say he’s a super nice guy. He’s patriotic (as is apparent in his movies), loves what he does, loves the military, and can direct some good action sequences. I also think that if he were to change gears he would be one of the best cinematographers or producers Hollywood has ever seen, plus it seems like all I ever do is pick on him. On the other hand, he keeps making it sooooo damn easy to make fun of him! It seems like every single moment that it’s time to have normal character dialogue, plot development, or anything not explosion related, he panics and rushes through it as fast as he can so that he can get back to more action scenes. It’s just lazy direction, and his perpetual making of empty, hollow, meaningless action scenes reminds me of one thing.

It reminds me of a dumb hick sitting at a gas station, complaining about the economy and saying over and over that we can fix this problem by printing more paper money. He doesn’t understand the idea that you need something (emotional connection) to back up the currency (action scenes), and people will try to tell them that this won’t work without a gold currency to back this cash up, but he waves them away with his hand and insists that his stupid theory is right. Well guess what, the dumb hick is starting to prove he was right after all. His plans to direct three stupid Transformer films have now grossed so much money that the studios are now begging him to do a 4 and 5, and WE are to blame. By making these jokes of films box office gold WE have made the decision to keep encouraging studios to abandon brilliant independent projects in favor of this crap, and over time WE will pay the price. Whether you saw this film in theaters or at home is besides the point, all that matters is that there are two people reading this review, people who understand what I’m trying to say (not even agree, but understand), and people who insist that we can fix the economy by printing more paper money.


By the way, let's take a look at that list I made a few months back before I made this review.


1. Sam screams "OPTIMUUUUUUUS!" a lot-Check
2. Extended close-ups of the girl-Check
3. Doomsday machine that's going to kill us all revving up during climax-Check
4. A traitor emerges and tries to screw over the good guys-Double Check
5. Sam runs around in the finale trying to save his girlfriend-Check
6. Lennox jumps in with super special forces to save the day-Check
7. Optimus has to fight new, more powerful villain-Check
8. Optimus has to team up with Megatron to fight new villain-Check
9. Optimus and Megatron fight... AGAIN... Actually no! I missed one, even though he did kill Megatron

I don’t like the fact that I hate these movies, and I know I come off as a hater when I write these reviews, but I refuse to acknowledge that these films are OK action films when there are so many good, interesting, well made action movies out there with a soul to them. You watch a film like Transformers 3 and it feels like the soul of the movie has been removed, like there is nothing to the film other than an insecure and incompetent director just trying to make action scenes, and then you watch movies like The French Connection, Inception, The Dark Knight, and District 9 and you see how simple it is to create an emotional connection with the audience, a connection that makes your action so much more enjoyable and watchable. I remember seeing Transformers 2 in theaters and seeing tons of kids texting during the biggest action scenes in the film, not giving a crap about these dazzling action sequences unfolding in front of them. Shortly after that I saw District 9 in the theaters, and for the entire last half hour of the film I didn’t see a single phone, hear a single purse being shuffled through, or see a single person leave the theater even to use the bathroom, they were so engaged in the film. At the end of the day, it’s all about the emotion, and my emotion is resigned.

4 out of 10

Twilight Saga: New Moon

Well… we all knew this review was coming. When a film franchise makes a crap ton of money and generates as much hype as the Twilight series it’s only a matter of time before I’m pretty much forced to see what all the hullabaloo is about. I tried to put it off, I tried to pretend it was just a fad, but it didn’t end so well this way. It was like seeing all the signs you had cancer, but putting off going to a doctor out of fear of what he would tell you. You knew putting it off was only going to make things worse, but you just didn’t care, you didn’t want to face the truth. Well, I finally went to the doctor, and I’m actually glad I did, because now I can comment on one of the biggest film franchises of this generation... I'm here to break the news to you about your cancer. 

And for the record, this review is going to be honest, in depth, and sincere, I’ll point out anything in the film I actually liked, and I’ll back up things I didn’t like with actual reasons why I felt that way, not just “sparkling vampires are GAY!”. A lot of you will say I’m a sparkle-hater, and while the idea that this film franchise pretty much obliterated the mythos of the vampire for an entire generation doesn’t exactly sit well with me, it’s something I can deal with under the right circumstances and I won't even bring it up in the review. After all, this is the guy who defended the idea of the “running zombie” in 28 Days Later. An original take on a classic creature is acceptable, as long as the idea is treated sincerely, seriously, and creatively. Was this spin handled that way in Twilight: New Moon? Well… let’s get started on the review shall we?

The first (and biggest) problem I had with the film was the characters, namely the protagonist Bella Swan. For a character who was supposed to be portrayed as a strong, independent female lead, Bella sure fails to have any sort of likeability in this film. Instead, she’s a petulant, selfish, self-destructive, shallow, manipulative brat, often leading guys in the film on for the sole purpose of crushing them later just because she suffered a little high school break up. The opening scene of the film revolves around her nightmare of growing old while her immortal boyfriend Edward stays young, instantly portraying her as a shallow, beauty obsessed emotional train wreck who is more concerned with her looks than the true meaning of love. If a film like Highlander can have a well done, powerful message about love spanning lifetimes and beyond amidst its large number of swordfights, then surely a film like this with NO ACTION can squeeze something like that into its two + hours running time.

Now this is where “twi-hards” will instantly defend the film by saying “Well it was written that way in the book!”, but that’s sort of the entire point isn’t it? This franchise has effectively created an emotionally damaged, anti-social, apathetic stereotype of what a strong woman should behave like when facing a break up, made even worse by the horrific writing and dialogue saturated throughout the movie. Sigourney Weaver couldn’t even make this character likeable, and Kristin Stewart is no Sigourney Weaver. Her emotionless delivery of the lines and horrific wooden acting turn the protagonist into a joke. She may as well be made of cardboard, and her portrayal of the character completely destroys decades of progress made with well written, strong female leads. How are you supposed to like a character like Bella Swan when she gives you every reason to hate her?

When writing an independent, strong female character there are so many simple ways to do so that I could make a list. In fact, let’s do that right now shall we? Pretty much all likeable and strong female fall into three main categories they are:

1.       The Tough, Strong Willed Charmer (i.e. Marion Ravenwood)-This is your basic, go-to archetype when trying to create a female character. These characters typically make up for their lack of physical strength with an independent, emotional strength. Take Marion Ravenwood from Raiders of the Lost Ark for example. Marion is a tough, no-nonsense woman who can out drink any man on Earth and loves a good scrap, but also has a soft side to counterbalance her sharp tongue. Her dialogue is written to appeal to both male and female audiences by making her an independent role model for females, and a funny, sarcastic, firecracker of a love interest for guys. Her character is so likeable in fact that an entire generation of men fell in love with a female lead that managed to look like Kristy Allen.

Seriously… her

As strong and likeable as she was though, her strength never laid in her physical abilities. Yeah, she punches Indy, but he brushes it off like someone who just sneezed really hard. We never see Marion kung fu fight a Nazi because we know the Nazi would win unless Marion had an unfair advantage, or took him by surprise. No, Marion’s appeal lied in her inner strength instead of her musculature, and by doing this Marion became a woman who the audience knew could handle herself in a tough situation. She showed the world that you didn’t need to kick-ass to be a kick-ass heroine, and with Marion Spielberg created a female lead that was universally praised as the epitome of what a strong, female lead should be in a film. Unfortunately, he completely undid all his hard work with his next portrayal of a female lead.

Seriously… her

2.       The Strong Minded Moral Compass (i.e. Donna Noble)-Having a female character who can fight her way out of a tough situation is classic, but how about a character who can talk a person into taking the harder, morally higher ground? Enter Donna Noble, one of the funniest characters ever written and hands down my favorite Doctor Who companion. Donna Noble was the Doctor’s companion for the fourth series of Doctor Who, and while the Doctor had already been well travelled with Rose Tyler and Martha Jones, Donna was the first of his new companions whose sole purpose on the show wasn’t to make googly eyes at him while he did all the work.

The REAL Noble Squad, Halo: Reach can eat its’ heart out

You see, The Doctor is a strange exception to the action hero image. He’s the hero in an action/sci-fi television show, but he never really engages in any sort of physical violence during his travels. Instead, the Doctor relies on his wits and intelligence to defuse a hostile situation, and in this respect he's a great role model for adolescents and kids to look up to. He loves non-violence, and he’s always at his happiest when both sides can walk away from the conflict unscathed. He’s a peace lover first and a soldier second, and during his travels his companions always relied on him to get them out of a bad situation, often becoming the very essence of the “damsel in distress”. His repeated and repeated habit of bailing them out led to him growing an inflated ego, sometimes even becoming conceited and making travels to simply sate his ego… until Donna entered the picture.

Where Rose and Martha were seen by the Doctor as something akin to kids who needed his help, Donna took on the persona of his big sister. She would talk him out of ideas that were flat out stupid, she would perform dangerous tasks if it meant getting him out of hot water, and on more than one occasion she would put him back in his place after his ego grew out of control. It was never castrating, in fact the Doctor seemed to revel in having a companion who had the guts to reel him back whenever his aspirations exceeded his reach, and despite the constant sharp banter between them they absolutely loved each other and knew they were perfect together. The Doctor was heartbroken when he had to let her go, and despite their lack of any physical attraction to each other Donna held him in the highest regards, often volunteering to follow him into hell itself.

Donna was a female heroine who, like the doctor, relied on her sharp wit and intelligence to become a strong, independent moral compass that the doctor truly needed in his journeys. She wasn’t afraid to get her hands dirty, but her physical prowess was never over-exerted to the point of being unbelievable. I’m not trying to be misogynistic, it’s just simple physics and logic that a small woman isn’t going to be an action star. Playing this card is always a tough journey, but if you really, seriously, ABSOLUTELY need to go this route for a film, then you had better…

3.       Have a Damn Good Reason For it (i.e. River Tam)-There are few things in a movie theater more uncomfortable than having a skinny, underweight Hollywood actress accomplishing flat out ridiculous feats of physical strength.

Seriously… her

Yes, that is from the 2001 film Lara Croft: Tomb Raider, and yes, that is a 110 pound Angelina Jolie punching a fifteen foot tall, two ton murder-bot to death with her bare hands. To make matters worse, just twenty seconds prior to this picture Jolie held its robotic claws from crushing her face with nothing more than a strained face and her fragile human wrists. For a period in the early 2000s scenes like this were becoming more and more common as the “girl power” craze gained a lot of momentum in Hollywood. Before we knew it we were being bombarded with countless films starring Michelle Rodriguez and Angelina Jolie as ass kicking female leads who kung fu fought hordes of men twice their size.

This may be well and good for the directors who are making these films as a simple cash grab, but for the audience it’s a big difference. I remember seeing these films, and feeling, actually FEELING the uneasy squirms from both men and women alike as these heroines managed to shatter our suspensions of belief, hearing chuckles and groans as Rodriguez punched out a guy standing over two feet taller than her and uttered a cheesy one-liner. Having a tough woman who is a crack shot with a gun, or good with a sword is one thing, but making them able to overwhelm muscular adversaries in sheer strength is flat out silly to watch, no matter how much kung fu is involved. Luckily, there are a lot of ass kicking heroines out there who are believable in their roles as powerhouses, but it isn’t because they can simply make a sour face and spout expository dialogue.

Enter the plot device, a simple idea that can transform a ninety pound Milla Jovovich into the supernatural supreme being “Leelu” in Fifth Element. With a simple explanation of how these apparently small women are superior to their counterparts we the audience can once again get behind the idea of them  performing these incredible feats, and I didn’t hear any groans or snickers while Leelu was fighting off waves of Manglors in Fifth Element, just entertained silence. Combine these explanations with even half decent acting and a lack of cheesy one liners and you have a believable, strong, ass-kicking broad on your hands. While these explanations can be seen as weak attempts to drive the plot forward, a respectfully and carefully handled explanation can make a world of difference. Leelu was the supreme being of legend, a sort of demi-god created to protect Earth, and they went into detail about how she is genetically superior in countless ways to a regular human. Alice from Resident Evil was the result of cybernetic augmentation, and River from Firefly/Serenity, was an experimental subject of genetic alterations and virtual flash training.

Now again, I can’t stress enough that these devices aren’t nearly as complex and difficult to write as a genuine, strong, female heroine, but if handled correctly they can re-integrate a feeling of believability into a character. Leelu was shown kicking a lot of ass, but shortly after the fight the film made a point of showing just how vulnerable she really was. Serenity took a different approach and gave us the best of both worlds, a strong, independent sharpshooter and tactician with Zoe, and a plot device driven super soldier with River. Each one filled their role perfectly, as we saw plenty of instances of Zoe masterfully driving behind the wheel of a vehicle, making good command choices, and shooting the s**t out on anything in front of her, but the second she tries to take on a Reaper she nearly gets ripped to shreds in less than a second. River on the other hand is an unstable wreck due to years of experiments and brain tampering, but in her moments of lucidity she’s shown believably fighting off swarms of Reapers with weapons, grace, and her enhanced humanity, something a normal woman like Zoe could never do.

Oh come on, you know it’s true! And before you say I’m going all misogynistic again remember that this rule works for men too. Not to compare him to a ninety pound girl, but do you really think Luke Skywalker, a hundred and sixty pound or so farmboy from Tatooine could take on a seven foot tall, four hundred pound cyborg with years of combat experience on him in the real world? Hells no, Luke would get squashed like a bug, but Luke has the greatest playing field leveler of all time, he has the Force as his ally, and a powerful ally it is. This transforms Luke from a regular person into a sort of super soldier, and because of this never once does the audience think the lightsaber fights between him and Vader are far-fetched.

Now while Bella is clearly never supposed to be an action hero in these films, she IS supposed to be a representation of the female sex, and apparently (according to the author) the logical thing for the female sex to do when a guy breaks up with her is to manipulate any guy who likes you, become an emotional train wreck, and then jump off a cliff. Even more insulting is the fact that this idea, however ridiculous it is, actually works! After her sad little attempt for attention falls short and she is rescued, Edward finally decides to try and get in touch with her again. Does anyone else find this premise insulting? Marketing this idea to a group of impressionable tweens still trying to figure out what to do with their life is flat out stupid, if not incredibly dangerous.

I wish I could say that she was the only weak point of the film, but it’s only the beginning. Pretty much every character is a weak stereotype coated in sticky bad dialogue and dipped in horrendous acting flakes. The only two people in the film who seemed to be doing ANY sort of acting were Billy Burke as Bella’s dad Charlie and Michael Sheen as a member of the Valtari named Aro. This film seems to drain any ability of anyone involved in its’ making, the exceptionally competent Anna Kendrick has become a caricature of buffoonery, the always entertaining Graham Greene is now a boring wheelchair bound waste of time, and the immensely talented Dakota Fanning is now nothing more than a creepy, obnoxious tween queen.

The direction, cinematography, and sound direction reeked of MTV tainted awfulness, and after seeing the brand new trailer I’m a little surprised they aren’t calling the upcoming installment Twilight Saga: Teen (Vampire) Mom. Weak camera tricks (usually involving flat angle shots shot in slow motion) are mixed with teenage angst music with hilarious results. The lines of dialogue and metaphorical allusions are so horrifically written that I don’t even think subtlety is in the directors’ mind. We all get that becoming a werewolf is a metaphor for male puberty, but I remember falling down laughing at a line Jacob says when Bella confronts him about being a werewolf, something along the lines of “I didn’t choose to be like this, I was born this way”. Gee, I wonder what he could be talking about…

Where do I begin with the writing? The lines of this film are so bad that they sound like they come out of a South Park satire of the franchise, and one line (I s**t you NOT) was straight out of Austin Powers. When a film has to use dialogue from Austin God Damn Powers, you know you are in some serious trouble. Some lines that really got me laughing, even months later, include:

“Who let the wolf out?”

“We won’t bite… hard.”

“Hundred and three degrees over here!”

“Oh my Jacob, you’re burning up!”

“So… you’re a werewolf?”

“The only thing that can hurt you is me.”

“Marry me.”

“They’re like hall monitors gone bad.”

As awful as the writing was though, it did have one redeeming factor. Unlike most Hollywood movies these days it had a beginning, a middle, and an end, and each part of the film more or less led to the next part. I had no idea who that red headed chick and the dreadlocked guy were, but I’ll forgive them because I think it was explained in the first film, and the important thing is that every action usually (I said USUALLY) had a purpose behind it. Most summer films jump from scene to scene with no transition, people are one place, and suddenly they are the next, but luckily here that is not the case. I also liked how Edward’s intentions were kept secret until the end, since most movies would show him having THAT conversation so the audience doesn’t see him as a jerk. You know the scene I’m talking about, a scene after he leaves her where he explains away all his bad decisions, and it would go something like this.

Vampire: But why Edward? Why did you leave her?

Edward: Because I love her so much I don’t want to hurt her… trust me, it’s for the best.

Now I’m not going to pass judgment on the books or the rest of the films because of this one bad experience I had, but it certainly tarnished my future expectations of the film. When a character is as unlikeable and disgusting as Bella Swan was in this film, I have trouble ever believing that any amount of film or wood pulp can ever redeem her. Add poor direction, bad acting, awful cinematography, and flat out hilarious portrayals, and you have a recipe for what tween audiences now have as a benchmark for what they expect from movies.

3.5 out of 10

Super

Independent films aren’t really my thing. For the most part these types of movies tend to be either:

a.      Preachy, overdramatic movies trying to convey a very obvious message,

b.      B-grade bad horror film garbage poorly directed by Wes Craven wannabes, or

c.      Shameless rip-offs trying desperately to cash in on a popular movie franchise.



Yup... all 3 describe this blog as well

Once in a while though a talented director will choose to remain in the genre because they appreciate the freedom they are given over the project and the lack of Hollywood interference, leading to outstanding examples of expert storytelling. One of these champions of film integrity is a little known director named James Gunn, a low key director best known for his work in Troma films such as Tromeo and Juliet and Slither. His newest project Super is his most ambitious yet, and his zeal for the film is apparent in its execution and direction.

The story revolves around social pariah Frank D’arbo (Rainn Wilson from The Office), who discovers that his wife Sarah (Liv Tyler) has been tricked into becoming a hooker for local pimp/drug dealer Jacques (Kevin Bacon). After his pleas for help to the police are met with indifference, Frank has a supernatural experience that leads him to believe he has been touched by the finger of God and therefore chosen to become a superhero to get his wife back. He adopts the persona of “The Crimson Bolt” by night, fighting crime across the city in an attempt to find a way to “rescue” his wife. Along the way he is assisted by comic book fan Libby (Ellen Page), who takes on the persona of “Bolty” in an attempt to live out her comic book fantasies and become a sidekick.

First of all, we need to address how the marketing campaign of this film is guilty of one of my biggest pet peeves when it comes to the industry, false advertising. What do I mean by that? Well, see for yourself…

The trailers, posters, and TV spots go out of their way to portray this film as a lighthearted, campy ride of one pathetic man trying desperately to be Batman. When films really try to push themselves onto audiences by lying to them about what they can bring to the table it never really ends well. Audiences go see the film expecting something that the film can’t deliver, and even though the flick may be a very good example of another genre, the audience almost always leaves feeling cheated, which in turn leads to negative feelings towards the film and bad word of mouth. Watchmen did this by marketing itself as a more mature version of The Incredibles, and audiences left the theater pissed off despite the fact that the movie was a damn well executed social commentary, a near perfect adaptation of the graphic novel, and a dark, well made exploration of the human condition. Parents took their kids to see Rango expecting a film akin to Shrek set in the Wild West, and they left the theaters angry because instead they got a violent, but brilliantly made satire of the “spaghetti western”.

Super is guilty of the same heinous crime, and the first thing you need to know is that this is not the same film portrayed in the trailer (for the most part). This is NOT a film about Dwight from The Office running around, being silly and smacking people in the face with a pipe wrench. It’s more of a dark comedy, with the funnier parts of the film stemming from the glib desperation of Frank trying to overcome his own isolation as he tries to rescue his wife. One of my favorite scenes revolves around Frank praying to God and asking if this was what he really wanted, then asking God to send him a sign if he wants him to continue doing it. I found it funny because this is a situation I have actually been guilty of, and there’s nothing stranger than seeing something and wondering if it is indeed a sign or not.

In a way this film is a true comic book movie, a film of self-discovery and overcoming the odds, and for that it’s a pretty darn good one. The protagonist is awkward, but well-meaning and likeable, his sidekick is hilariously insane and adorable, the villain (Kevin Bacon, again awesome) is cartoonishly vile, and the supporting cast funny and enjoyable to watch, especially a criminally underused and hysterical Nathan Fillion as “The Holy Avenger”.  The characters in the film are deeply flawed, but utterly likeable, and as a result the limited conflict scenes are made that much more enticing and exciting to watch. I know I’ve pounded this point to death, especially with my first article, but even mundane action scenes are made that much more exciting if you really care about what happens to the characters in them.

Hey, you remember that M. Night Shyamalan film Unbreakable? You know, the last film he made before he slowly started slipping into making absolute crap for films? Yeah, believe it or not this dude used to make some of the best films in Hollywood, and Unbreakable is a shining example of it. It’s hands down my favorite Shyamalan film, and despite all the comic book films being released I can honestly say that if it isn’t my favorite comic film it is easily in my top three. Now some of you may be saying “Hey, Unbreakable wasn’t a comic book film, it was just about a guy who discovered he may or may not have powers”, to which I respond that even though it may not have been a comic adaptation film, that doesn’t mean it’s not a comic book film.

What it is however, is a film about self-discovery and responsibility, about one man’s quest to discover what he is and learn the responsibility of his gifts… gee… sounds an awful lot like something doesn’t it? The point is that David Dunn is such a deep and well written character that it was guaranteed the audience would sympathize and relate to him almost immediately. Willis’ haunted, subtle, and brilliant performance along with Jackson’s aggressive, investigative story further solidified Dunn’s character as a conflicted, but well meaning man who was desperately trying to find the answer to the biggest question for both of these men, “Why are they who they are?” Now think about this for a second, try to pick your favorite fight out of the following climactic comic movie fights:

1.      Fantastic Four-The final showdown on the streets of New York

2.      Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer-Final showdown with Dr. Doom and Galactus

3.      X-men: The Last Stand-Massive showdown on Alcatraz

4.      Spiderman 3-Showdown between Venom, Sandman, Green Goblin 2, and Spidey

5.      Wolverine-Final showdown between Sabretooth, Deadpool, and Wolverine

In each of these cases millions of dollars were spent on creating the giant ass epic showdown, creating big scale, explosion-rific action sequences that dazzle the eye. There are cities being blown up, planets being destroyed, armies being decimated, buildings collapsing, superpowers clashing, special effects on overload, the Golden Gate Bridge being obliterated, and Ian Mckellan. What’s the final, climactic showdown in Unbreakable? Bruce Willis jumps on a guys’ back and flails around until the guy falls down. Sure it may sound lame, but which is the most effective and powerful climax of these six examples? Unbreakable, hands down. Thanks to a character connection with the audience, a well shot sequence, and a haunting score, this one scene has a thousand times the impact as all the Mr. Fantastics Fox can throw at us.

I know I keep pushing this point in pretty much every action movie review I do, but it’s a VERY important point to hammer home, especially to me. Creating genuine, likeable, relatable characters should always be priority one, and gigantic, city-busting finales should be an afterthought to filmmakers. If you can do that then even the most unimpressive, cheaply made, and unexceptional finales will have significantly more of an influence on the audience than boring, generic, uninteresting heroes. Now obviously the best option would be a combination of the two factors such as Spiderman 2 (deep character development + outstanding subway action sequence = breathless audience), but if you have to choose between the two then you shouldn’t be a filmmaker in the first place Brett Ratner.

Now I know I just went off on another angry fit, but there was a purpose to it, and the purpose is to illustrate that despite being a dark comedy, Super actually had one of the best climactic finales out of all the comic book movies out there these days. It was simple yes, but by creating emotional attachments between the audience and the characters we now care what happens to Frank, Libby, and Sarah in the final showdown. The surprisingly dark turn the film takes effectively sets up how the stakes are now real for these characters, and the lightheartedness of the film leading up to this point must be abandoned following one critical moment of the sequence. It’s an abrupt transition, but it’s done that way because it’s necessary and as a result the audience can get inside Frank’s head to feel the rage and need to see the job through. A lot of critics misinterpreted this scene to the point where they said the film didn’t know what it wanted to be, but I think the transition was necessary to show the real dangers of the situation Frank found himself in.

This happens late in the film though, and everything leading up to it is a really good time. It’s still dark, but it’s lighthearted and funny to watch Libby and Frank sort of developing their crime-fighting styles. What’s really fun to watch however is Frank more or less mentoring Libby, and seeing how this weird, sort of out of touch guy is actually the more calm and precise member of the crew. Some of the funnier parts of the movie actually stem from Libby hurting people really bad, and I mean REALLY bad, and then erupting into fits of giggles and laughter as these poor people are writhing and crying in pain at what just happened to them. It takes Frank to teach Libby that even though he doesn’t know what he’s doing, he does know that he must always serve a greater good.

As usual Gunn’s talents as a filmmaker are apparent, and with his usual flair he can create a scene to properly reflect both the audiences’ and the characters’ emotions in that moment. Whether it’s creating a lighthearted, cartoony tone during the funnier times of the film, or creating a dark, foreboding atmosphere during the more depressing moments, his filmmaking style is effective and enjoyable. Strong writing helps his film along, and in doing so we can understand these apparently simple characters even better, especially when we begin to see them evolve and understand their deeper motivations in the film. It’s just a really enjoyable ride throughout, and it’s almost like a really effective commentary on the comic book film conglomerate as a whole.

Now of course there are some problems with the film, most notably that anyone who has seen it already knows that it is not a movie for everyone. The last twenty or so minutes of the film are INCREDIBLY dark, and some other parts of the film will take you by surprise if you don’t know what to expect. It’s also very gory, which you wouldn’t even begin to expect from watching the trailer and seeing the poster. This film is very R rated for a reason, and despite its’ funny atmosphere it actually comes off more like a niche film for weirdoes like me than your typical comedy. One last problem I had with the film was Nathan Fillion being underused, and even though I mentioned that earlier I had to bring it up again because I thought the funniest parts of the film revolved around his Bibleman knock off Christian television show (Don’t watch the clips below if you don’t want the awesomeness ruined for you).

Told you

Super is a film that may not appeal to everyone, but if you can get behind its’ wacky blend of dark comedy and superhero satire you may find the experience rewarding.

7 out of 10