Top heroes
of 2013
1. Katniss
(The Hunger Games: Catching Fire)-Warrior, champion, and loyal friend,
Katniss lights the fire necessary for a crucial revolution of a long oppressed
population. A breath of fresh air for women in film, and the best female role
model since Hermione Granger, Katniss is a much needed change of pace following
the embarrassing female "heroine" that was Bella Swann.
2. Harada (The
Wolverine)-Deadly and dead-eyed ninja archer Harada proved to be an utter
badass when covering Wolverine and Mariko in the chaos following a funeral. Despite
being in a film featuring heroes as awesome as the legendary Wolverine and
awesomely written fellow ninja Yukio, Harada manages to eek out a slight lead
because he manages to give us a performance that Hawkeye should have been in The Avengers.
3. Colonel
James Rhodes (Iron Man 3)-I can only praise Robert Downey Jr. for so
long (yes, he is still perfect as
Iron Man) without mentioning how awesome the decision was to trade up to Don
Cheadle for James Rhodes. Loyal, resilient, and dependable, James Rhodes proves
that Tony made the right choice by trusting him with the Mark II armor in Iron
Man 2.
4. Dr. Ryan
Stone (Gravity)-I frequently have trouble maintaining my composure when
they get my order wrong at Del Taco, so it speaks magnitudes about Dr. Stone's
resilience when she finds herself perpetually facing down life threatening
situations in the most hostile environment in the universe. Her continued
resilience lands her back home, something even her veteran astronaut partner
couldn’t manage to achieve.
5. Andy
Knightley (The World's End)-Despite initial misgivings about a proposed
pub crawl, Andy decides to accompany his former best friend partly to bury the
ghosts of his past and partly out of pity. When the shit hits the fan however,
it’s up to Andy to keep the group of survivors alive as their “leader” spirals
downward into a self-destructive pattern of psychosis.
Top
Villains of 2013
1. Seaworld
(Blackfish)-The groundbreaking documentary may have been about the
murder-prone killer whale Tilikum, but the sheer brutality, greed, lies, and
amoral behavior of the legendary amusement park takes the stage as the true
villain of the film. When they’re not covering up deaths by framing their
trainers, killing whales in the wild, or stealing money from their own
charities, you can count on them lying about the life of killer whales in the
wild to make themselves look good.
2. Loki (Thor:
The Dark World)-Christopher Eccleston may have been the primary antagonist
of the film, but no one can deny that the film really lit up every time Tom
Hiddleston appeared onscreen. Resplendent in his hatred, and brilliant in his
execution, Loki is one of those few villains in Hollywood that you just can’t
bring yourself to hate.
3. Leatherback
and Otachi (Pacific Rim)-While the film revolved around countless
monstrous Kaijus that are as diverse as they are vicious, the big baddies of
the film are a pair of Category IV Kaijus that manage to take out 50 percent of
the world’s remaining Jaeger force. Massive, fast, and the first Kaijus to
carry organic weapons against the human race, these baddies take down the giant
fighting robots like they were puppies.
4. El Macho
(Despicable Me 2)-El Macho could be placed right alongside every other
evil genius mastermind from any James Bond film, and that alone would be enough
to an improvement on the previous film’s villain. What places him on this list
though is that even jumping out of a plane, while riding a shark, strapped to
two tons of explosives, into an erupting volcano still wasn’t enough
to kill this villain.
5. Danny
McBride (This is the End)-As if being a selfish prick and stealing all
the survivor’s food wasn’t enough, Danny McBride becomes a cannibalistic psycho
after being kicked out of the house, even going so far as to turn poor Channing
Tatum into his personal sex slave. What truly makes him an abysmal human being
however is the fact that he jizzes up the last porno mag in existence, that monster.
Top Moments
of 2013
1. Death at
a Funeral (The Wolverine)-We’ve had four movies featuring the comic
legend Wolverine, but this scene is the first real time we as an audience get
to see what the hero is really capable of. Even when good ol’ sideburns is
missing most of his trademark super-healing he still carves through leagues of
mercenaries and assassins with ease, brutally slicing through men like a hot
knife through butter.
2. Aerial
Rescue (Iron Man 3)-On repeated viewings I am quickly approaching naming
Iron Man 3 as my favorite in the series, and the high point in this high
point is the thrilling mid-air rescue of the passengers on Air Force One.
Teased heavily in the trailers and commercials, this short and sweet action
scene makes the audience hold their breath more than any other moment in the
franchise.
3. Battle
of Hong Kong (Pacific Rim)-Everyone knows how much I preach that bigger
isn’t necessarily better in films (see my reviews of Transformers, the Star
Wars Prequels, etc.), but in this case the scene is so well shot and action
packed that it made me eat my own words. Over the top in the most beautiful way
imaginable, this explosive and climactic battle scene encompasses everything
that is right about monster films.
4. Batman
versus Superman (Take one!) (The Dark Knight Returns)-Despite being an
animated film, The Dark Knight Returns saga was just as awesome as
Christopher Nolan’s trilogy, and no scene is more awesome as the Batman vs.
Superman fight at the end of the second part. Unapologetically brutal, and
played completely straight, this fantastic scene makes you believe that the
Caped Crusader can actually hold his own against the Man of Steel, and in all
likelihood, I imagine this scene will be much better than the one we are
getting from the actual Batman vs. Superman movie in 2015.
5. The
Tenth Man (World War Z)-One of the biggest and earliest mysteries of the
film revolves around discovering how Israel was able to fend off the zombie
invasion, and when the Mossad chief explains to Gerry Lane how his company was
able to do so, many aspects on the hard life of a civilian in Israel become
clear to the audience. This simple but brilliant scene not only establishes the
Israelis as the badasses of the film, but also conveys to audiences the
countless atrocities committed against Israel over countless decades.
Top Dorks
of 2013
1. Raleigh
Becket (Pacific Rim)-Get your god damned thumbs out of your god damned
belt loops dude, you’re not a teenager!
2. The
Smith Boys (After Earth)-There is so much to pick on in this awful M.
Night Shyamalan film, but it doesn’t get any easier than the two idiots that
this film is built around. Allegedly written and made to appease both Will
Smith’s growing love of scientology and the growing ego of Jayden Smith, these
two train wrecks are laughably bad throughout the film. This is what you get
when you pass on Django Unchained because Quintin Tarantino wouldn’t
re-write it for you.
3. Superman
(The Man of Steel)-Nice going Superman, you watch your dad die and do
nothing, you let half of Metropolis get pounded into dust, and you wreck half
of the military. You have one job dude, what the hell are we paying you for?
4. Gary King
(The World's End)-For the longest time I thought it was impossible for Simon
Pegg to play a character I didn’t love… and then The World’s End totally
changed my mind. Refusing to let his glory days be a thing of the pass, Gary
goes to no end to dupe his former friends into reliving them with him, and then
abandoning them to their dooms during them. He’s like that guy we all know who
won’t stop talking about how cool he was in high school… and then shoots you.
5. Dr.
Newton Geiszler (Pacific Rim)-Yes, Pacific Rim gets two mentions
on the dorks list, but unlike frontrunner Raleigh, Newton is a dork in the most
endearing sense possible. He’s wacky but brilliant, panicky but steadfast, and
if anyone other than Charlie Day had played this role it could have been
disastrous. Luckily, the talented Day plays this old-as-time trope perfectly,
creating a lovable dork we can all appreciate.
Here is a list of my most enjoyable (not necessarily best) films of 2013:
Gravity-9.75 out of 10
Iron Man 3-9.5 out of 10
The World’s
End-9 out of 10
The Dark
Knight Returns-9 out of 10
Despicable
Me 2-8.5 out of 10
The
Conjuring-8.25 out of 10
Star Trek:
Into Darkness-8 out of 10
The
Wolverine-7.75 out of 10
Monsters
University-8.25 out of 10
The Great
Gatsby-8.5 out of 10
If your favorite
picks aren’t on this list, chances are I never had a chance to watch it. Here
is a short list of some of the movies I have yet to see this year:
The Hobbit: The
Desolation of Smaug
Fast and Furious 6
Frozen
Riddick
Anchorman 2
12 Years a Slave
Her
Sound City
Hangover 3
Bad Grandpa
Bad Grandpa
